A CASE OF THE SHIT-HEARTS
Some days your heart just feels lousy. Sadly it’s on my day off. Some days I realize I am still running. It’s a very lonely feeling, even surrounded by my beloved touring party. It’s not their fault. I love and have loved playing music with them on this tour and I will continue to do so. I am sad because I don’t really have a home to go home to. There can be no journey without somewhere to return to and that is so ungrounding and painful it peels my fingernails off. My left eye is twitching like a motherfucker. I know I’ve talked about this before so I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record. I’m too tired of it to even feel my old reliable anger. My anger is also not accessible because it would be inappropriate considering the state of the world. I’m still getting by.
Why am I telling you this? Because it is the truth. I have felt a subtle rage at times on this tour, but I could not pinpoint its source. I am the source; My need to go home. I can stay on the road forever as long as I could just go home at the end. Home means a lot of things to people. I’d love to put some clothes in a drawer for example. But it’s so deep and dark to a kid that never really had any stability I couldn’t even begin to explain it. Anyway, enough of that.
Fun fact; it’s hard to type when guitar callouses make the end of your fingers numb. I’m cheering myself up by ripping through my to-do list. This might only work for Virgos, but I still recommend trying it. I’ve never been so happy to talk to the power company! A taco comes in handy as well. Extra coffee? Not so much. One kind thing happened at soundcheck though; a HUGE turkey vulture painted its shadow over me several times. I don’t know what that means but they are my favorite bird. We believe in stupid human-faced golden angels but we can’t extend a kind thought to a creature that does so much good in the world and cleans up the ugly, putrid messes. I just have to love them extra hard. They can be MY angels.
What do you do with your inappropriate rage? Do tell!
Ps. If this doesn’t cheer a person up, nothing will. Kudos to Immad Wassif for this one…
This was so welcome to me this morning. Thank you for posting about your rage. I have a couple of responses. One: Rage is a normal human emotion that so many of us try to hide and when it is hidden we ourselves and every one around us pays. So rage on. Rage on against the dying of the light! I have so much rage within me and also so much love and hope and sweetness and generosity. These are not mutually exclusive and I seek, mostly from myself, permission to rage when it is appropriate and even sometimes when it is not. Is depression rage turned inward? Perhaps. Two: I am sorry that you do not have a home to go home to and hope you will find/build one soon. I once taught a writing class called Ideas of Home. Some of my students brought in such interesting concepts. One was a large area behind a closed circle of houses that was totally open and unfenced so that everyone could easily share their dogs and Frisbees and whatever they had cooking on their grills. This area was home to this young man, not the house that fronted it. I saw a painting in a gallery once, a long time ago, of a board game. I was in my early to mid 20s and struggling with the concept of home for myself. Where was it? Who was it with? All of the squares on the board were unmarked; in the middle there was a circle that was inscribed, simply, with the word " H O M E" in large capital letters. I have had that image emblazoned in my psyche ever since. Where is home? What is it? It is at the center, in a circle. That is all I know. Sending my love and rage and everything else to you, Neko. I am such a fan of your writing, musicianship and bravery.
I have no idea where to put my rage, I struggle daily. It absolutely infiltrates all parts of my day and being yet it is shapeless. I can't conform it to control it and it's inconvenience is astounding.
Where is home? Where is peace? I hate to believe how many of us feel without a home or some peace.