NOTICING BLIZZARDS
Good morning. I had a crazy dream last night about my friend Dallas. He died almost two years ago now, but his presence was so large in my own life there is a tear in my fabric from his absence. I miss him terribly and I am constantly thinking of our mutual loved ones and how everyone is coping with his removal from our physical day-to-day. His presence is so specific and it’s like I am having to try to grow larger to meet him now that he’s gone. It’s ok, it’s all a part of growing with and through grief. I think working on a new record is making me miss him harder though. I’m here for it. Hi, Dallas.
 The blizzards continue here in VT and I love them. I love white out conditions and fairy tale trees. I love the large flakes of glitter snow covering my landscape as the sun rises. It’s a frosted wonderland. They do make me want to nap on occasion or maybe that’s the long studio schedule… Dogs and cats want to sleep on and over my body most of the time now and mostly I just let it happen, even with 80 pound Coco. I can’t feel my legs as I type this. Lots of snow does not energize me per say, but it does sharpen my listening skills. I am best suited to listen as Rigby puts down some acoustic guitar overdubs today and so I’m gonna go with it. And maybe practice some baritone guitar. There will be another song bit on Friday, so subscribe if you aren’t already! Whee!
I often dream of war now too. It’s so disturbing and tells me what I already know; the world is breaking and I am filled with rage and grief over it. I am so angry with my own country. I try to let the thoughts happen and respect them yet not let them interfere as to derail a day too thoroughly. I am stopping myself from shutting down as I can be of no use to anyone that way. I do not pour this grief into my work. That is not how it happens despite the popular belief that artists and musicians use horror and pain as a muse, or that pain is fuel for us. Suffering is NOT our wheelhouse. It’s a very disgusting cliche and I don’t know anyone who I respect who actually embraces this. Of course my feelings do play a role in what I do, but I do not go after things with the hopes to squeeze something out of it for my own gain. That is exploitative and gross. Maybe somewhere down the line these feelings return in a transmuted way and that’s when I can really see them.
How are you all doing? I care about you. xo
Even my truck is sleepy.
If the suffering does anything to my art, it is to make me double down on just how beautiful the world is and how much I fucking love it. It is a fierce love too, isn't it, Neko? All of this is worth standing up for in a way just succumbing to misery does not. Some days are better than others, of course, and I have my share of despairing hours. But goddammit, we're here, and what a gift. I choose to do my best not to squander it.
I had been in KC-K working in a fiberglass plant for a week and a half, drove towards home in the gusty winds with snow swirling and making mesmerizing rivers in the roads. Got about 20 mins from home and had to back track- roads were flooded north of Conway. Spent Saturday doing laundry, repacking and snuggling with my cat-(my sister checks on him while I'm away). Left again Sunday to hit the gulf in Mississippi- a paper plant this time. Fought high winds and all sorts of weather- finally made it down by Gulfport for a beautiful day of 65! Next day dropped to high of 20. Finished the job yesterday and rode the ice patches up to Vicksburg before calling it a night. I'll make it home tonight to do it all over again. Next is a power plant out in Oklahoma then a refinery in Texas. I feel so removed, just putting one foot in front of the other. When did life become this? I feel as though I've completely disassociated. The only time I feel halfway satisfied/comfortable is listening to music while driving. I used to dream, but now I just chase sleep. I miss the summers of my adolescence bareback on my paint horse just lazing around telling him stories- he was the truest friend a young girl could have.
Sorry I got a bit carried away- that was quite cathartic.