RUNNING HARD

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween! My favorite day of the year! Today I feel a little energetic curiosity for the first time in a while. I’m on a tiny break between tour legs at home. I’m tired in so many ways. I expected to post much earlier and more frequently, but damn! That was a five week triathlon of rehearsal, promo and shows which flew by. It was more like a forest fire that roars past than scenery out a window pleasantly skimming by. I am burning off the fat and other things. It is so terribly physical. It felt more like running from something than to something, though I know that feeling is just an illusion. I am better equipped to tour than I ever have been, physically and mentally, but it still seems so laborious. Not that it was ever supposed to feel easy… I think I just expect it to be smoother? I’m not sure. It’s not a complaint, just an observation. I guess once you get better at certain things, your hyper-focus shows you what else could use improvement, just like in recording, but this tour has shown me more about longstanding human relationships and the tentative agreements between strangers. I have become very attuned to (to my occasional detriment) things that bother me about touring that are very old; merch cuts, 3rd party vendors and their feeling entitlement to my music and my money, little things that a venue might do that make us feel very unwelcome as a band and as humans, union aggression, and straight up lies to my face. I have also been very attuned to and seek out the people I know and love in venues that don’t play those reindeer games. They are oases in the sooty road world. They are the people who are worth so much they have a density that can balance out the iron weighted worst of the worst; they understand and value our partnership in bringing good things to their local stages. It took a full two weeks to shake the unease after walking out of the Caverns in Pelham when the security detail of armed gunmen refused to leave. That one fucked me up. Robyn from the Pabst Theatre really helped me feel better. Thank you, Robyn.

Don’t get me wrong, tour was great in all the ways it’s supposed to be; band and crew camaraderie, music, connection with the audience, old friends and new, Des Demonas (YES!), good food and kind locals, etc. I just never fully found my footing? I think this break will make that possible. I got home just in time for a glorious Larch season which makes my face feel like an array that soaks up color and shadow for energy. It’s our “Secret Season” of wild light and burning golds against complicated grays. So many species are now absent having moved on for the season, but the beavers are still working away, still giving me hope. The dog and cats still let me snuggle them too much. They understand. I try hard not to notice what is still not unpacked or moved in by doing constant laundry. That’s progress, right? Fall is a complex time. I do believe the veil is thin and if not those we’ve lost, things that give us anxiety have easier access to our minds and our fears. Those people who I have lost have been extra present this last tour though, its been filled with ghosts who I welcome. They comfort me even though I mourn them still. I am between two worlds. It’s very sobering, but this day, Halloween, is propping me up. I am excited to go back on the road next week. Westward we go.

How are you doing?

Here are some highlights…