SPRING IS DANGEROUS!

Spring is many people’s favorite time of year for obvious reasons. Out here in the rural parts it is truly breathtaking. The biggest thrill for me is all the bird species returning and the emergence of local animals from hibernation. I missed them! There is one thing I am not happy about however; the drastic uptick in roadkill. One reason for this drastic increase is obvious; there are just more animals, but the other is a little more interesting? Maybe “thought provoking” would be a better way to describe it? Hormones are the reason. It’s mating season big time and creatures are positively drunk with mating hormones. This is heavy on my mind because I have killed two large birds in the last two days. The first, a barred owl, with my windshield, the second a big turkey, with my now smashed-in front grill on my truck.

 

It was night time, I was in the passenger’s seat when I saw the owl positively glowing to my right, sitting on a guard rail. ManFriend was driving so I was free to look, in awe, for a split second before it launched itself into the windshield. WHAT THE FUCK?! It died right in front of me with a horrible “thud.” I saw it’s markings and it’s shape, but it glowed like it was an x-ray of the owl. I was so shocked and startled, I couldn’t cry or react or move. All I could do was squeak “no…” I remember thinking “I am now cursed.” I was genuinely scared of this curse for a few minutes until ManFriend calmed me down. I had never experienced something so purely wonderful one second, end so brutally, and bloodlessly two feet in front of my face. It was the horror movie I was not expecting. Logically I’m fine, but I’m still not quite over it. I’m always careful and on the lookout for animals when I drive, but now I’m twitchy, and a little hypervigilant. 

The next day, which was yesterday, I had to drive to an appointment 15 miles away. I was comforted by the clear, rainless daylight. I was about half way into my trip when I saw a turkey a ways ahead on the side of the freeway. I was the only person on the road and had plenty of space to move but I was immediately covered in dread. Turkeys are completely unpredictable in their movements. (I know what you are thinking, but no, wild turkeys are not stupid birds, they are actually very smart and one of the harder animals to hunt.) Sure enough, as I got closer, the turkey started into my freeway lane. I moved over. It kept coming. I switched back to the other lane to avoid it. Just when I thought I would miss it, it turned back and flew directly into the grill of my truck. I couldn’t fucking believe it. If you have ever picked a turkey up, you’d know that they aren't particularly heavy. They are still birds after all, mostly feathers, hollow bones, etc., but this bird lodged itself so completely into the grill of my truck, and then into the radiator, it is impossible to extract. It broke so much of the grill it’s actually impressive. I called the dealership to address my problem as the truck is under warranty, so I knew I couldn't take the grill off myself without voiding something. The person in the service department was tired and over her day. She said they were way overbooked and couldn’t see the truck until the following Friday. “It will be a liquid turkey by then and a worse biohazard than it is now,” I reminded her. She begrudgingly suggested I drop the truck and they would see it sometime the next day. I’ll keep you posted on young turkey’s destruction details. He deserves a trophy! Poor kid…

“What are the odds?” I wondered. I killed two big animals two days in a row! I am a good driver and I havent hit anything since I was 22. I realized I had been seeing all manner of roadkill lately though, it seemed to be around every third corner. Skunks, racoons, groundhogs, hawks, turkeys, etc. Frogs in the thousands suddenly crossing roads en masse, in the rain at night, all over Vermont to the extent that people actually come out and help move them this time of year. What was going on? All I could figure was many species’ usually keen senses were dimmed by a lusty life force, marching them into traffic like a suicidal parasite driving their bodies against their will. I decided to go online and look around for some answers. Sure enough, springtime is far and away the leading season in road related deaths, and hormones are a major player. Article after article confirmed it. 

So be careful driving, folks. It’s right breedy out there! And if owls or crows swoop at your head because you are in their territory, don’t take it personally. 

Our fallen hero. I had to drive around like this all day. I felt awful. R.I.P, big guy.