THE FIRE I KNOW
Hello folks. I’m safely here in London while LA is burning and I’m trying to find all my people and make sure they are safe. So far so good despite some houses lost. I lost my home to a fire also in 2017 and I know how it feels; terrible, surreal, crushing, liberating, humbling before nature, and even a “relief”, as ManFriendJeff and the animals were all ok… though ManFriend was traumatized for quite a while. I was helpless to do anything thousands of miles away in Stockholm. I remember hearing ManFriend’s voice over the phone as I had never heard it before, it was terrifying. He sounded like he was saying goodbye from the middle of a black ocean as he sunk below the waves. My heart tore open. I went into dead calm, emergency mode as many ADHD people do in these situations. I did not react to the fire in a personal way, for myself, for a long time, years even… It was necessary at the time, but not really the healthiest thing to do, not that it was even intentional.
If you follow me, you know my house rebuild still isn’t done which has led to depression and a feeling of fairly constant feeling of being “trapped.” I’m thinking about all the people who will be feeling unmoored for a long time. It eats at your mental health if squashed down. It’s not the “Stuff” you lose, no matter how precious; it’s the grounding and rest a place to live gives a person to an extent. If you are directly affected you will need someone or many to talk to a LOT. Don’t feel shitty about this. You are trying to ground. Let the amazing things you feel wash over you, bathe in them. The gratitude, for example. It feels like an unclenching of everything you’ve been holding onto much too hard. You will be SO open to let it in. It feels like peace. You are alive. Nature is mighty and meant you no harm. Nature is not spiteful or vengeful, it is momentum. Sometimes we flow with it, sometimes we are knocked over by it. It never hates us.
Here is some unwarranted advice you can skip if you like. I won’t blame you or be offended. Helping others when you are ready will feel the best. It is higher purpose. It is community. If you can’t and you aren’t ready, that’s ok too. It’s all valid. Share. Be it your couch or your trauma or your orange juice or a ride to help a neighbor pick up prescriptions. Look your trauma in the eyes. Make friends with it if you can, if you are ready. You don’t have to pretend to be ok if you aren’t. Try not to expect things to resolve super quickly. I’m nine years in to trying to rebuild my life and shocked it’s taken so long. Covid and dishonest, or cavalier mercenary contractors have my knee-capped my progress over and over. I am hoping it does not take as long for all of you. I don’t have to tell you to be careful for the predatory, but the climate of our nation is so cynical, the grifters are boldly circling, I’m sure. I wish I could be there for every single one of you; sober, distanced and fierce for you to keep that trash away. It’s easy to say “don’t let them break your heart,” but a home is SO personal, you can’t not take it personally. You aren’t “weak” if you do.
I love you, Los Angeles. I always have and I always will. XO
Here is my dear friend Gavin’s Warren Zevon nativity. I’m posting it without his permission because it has magical, healing properties so him “owning” it would be sacrilege?
My apartment building (6 apts - 3 up, 3 down) caught fire one night and I have never been so frightened in my life, ever. I caught one of my cats, but the other went under the bed and I could not get to her. Then I realized if I don't leave the apartment NOW I will die.
I was in the ambulance being treated for smoke inhalation when there was a loud knock on the door. It was a fireman asking if I had a big white fluffy cat - I did! He rescued Maizie, giving her mouth-to-mouth and oxygen. He said she was in a box sitting in his fire truck.
The ambulance wanted to take me to the hospital, but wouldn't let me take Bluey or Maizie, so I refused. I spent the next 3 nights in a Red Cross-paid hotel room with my cats. Bewildered. Blackened. In shock.
Two weeks later I moved back to Austin, TX, with a few clothes, the cats, and a brand new couch I'd purchased 2 weeks before the fire that was still at the store.
Maizie had a stroke four months later, likely related to fire according to my vet. But that fireman is my hero. He was the bright spot in my tragedy.
Best thoughts, healing, and prayer if you believe to Los Angeles.
I know a dozen families who have lost their homes in Altadena in the Eaton Canyon fire, including the parents of my son's best friend. To say it's heartbreaking is an understatement. I am located far enough away from the fires that the worst I had was a "prepare to evacuate" warning which has since been lifted. The sun is once again shining yellow in the sky, instead of a dim orange disk, fighting its way through a dense cloud of smoke and debris. It feels like we're out of the woods for now, but this heartbreak and sorrow will linger for a long time.