THE SCORCHED EARTH OF MY ENERGY
What an incredible sunrise. I never thought I’d be writing such things let alone see them. I never thought I’d be a morning person at all. Most of my life I have been a 3am bedtime person. Not because I wanted that, it was my body that wanted that. I fought it like crazy. Not because I didn’t like being awake then, I did! It was such a calm time where my creativity felt freer and less squeezed by all the other consciousness of my fellow humans. I took sleeping pills for years to adhere to a schedule for my job. I’m so glad I don’t anymore. I hated them, but they did improve my overall health by getting me actual sleep, so I can’t resent them in the end. And now, here I am, a person who wakes up at 5am. Thank you, menopause? I’m guessing that's it.
I am in a post-creative burst, dial tone-where-my-thoughts-should-be phase so the last couple days have been sluggish to say the least. I have little energy and have to lay down a lot. I hit the wall. This is not unusual or unexpected, especially for my neurodivergent brain. It’s hard to just listen to and accept what the body is telling me rather than just powering through, though usually it’s my only option. If I do force myself I generally end up sick or really grouchy. It’s a real shit place to be and I am generally a very crap version of myself. But, It’s good to notice the patterns and map these things. The math of it is imperfect but it can really help future you. Short term creative burn out can be managed but you will likely be your own worst enemy. I was going to clean the house last night but instead I ate TWO bags of dill pickle popcorn for dinner and layed on the couch falling in and out of sleep. I just let myself do the worst version of self-soothe. I’m not proud of my dinner choices but I hope it rested me in some way I will at least feel later?
Making album art is one of my favorite things about making a record. I went to art school for about six years of my life and now never get to make visual art so I’m pretty starved by the time I get to this phase of record making. I go at it pretty hard and desperate by the time I get here. It’s part thrill and part slog. That’s what the work of the creative process is though, you gotta really love it to keep going. I am there for all the parts and makings and editings, etc. I was once nominated for a Grammy for artwork for the design of “Middle Cyclone” along with my dear friend Kathleen Judge. Both of us went to art school and it meant something very different and very deep for us to be considered in that way; for art! It almost meant more than being nominated for music in a way. We didn’t win, but we didn’t care! We lost to David Byrne and Brian Eno’s “Everything That Happens Will Happen Today” record which is 100% brilliant down to the beautiful artwork. It was an honor and a privilege to lose to them. It was unexpected and moving just to be considered.
This last phase of art work creation for a record is the cherry on top. I still have no idea what it will look like but I am excited, and have a strong arsenal of elements to collage. I love the “not knowing,” and I would be remiss if I did not give a proper nod to David Lynch, one of my art heroes, for giving me permission to glide without knowing. I miss him so much already.
What does your burnout look like? How do you swerve or soothe?
Unexpected chandelier in my shabby kitchen assembled by the un-stumpable ManFriendJeff…
how can one not be burnt out after pouring their everything into a creative frenzy that may last a few days ?... ya know, those days when you are so focused you don't eat much, rest much (you maybe smoke too much) and you even say to yourself "I just need to finish this section" even though you have had to really pee for the last half hour... oy !
so the following burnout may look like: eating ice cream sandwiches for breakfast with your coffee... binging on northern exposure (the german DVDs with all the original music, of course) or doc martin... my chaotic brain often needs the familiar (and there just ins't that much good tv out there, to be honest) so I go back, again and again... esp to northern exposure... it's practically like a religion to me- it has eveything - life, death, love, loss, art, music, poetry, humor <3
I think if northern exposure was on today, they would be asking you to use some of your music in it, for sure. :)
As a recently diagnosed ADHD-er I relate deeply to the cycle you describe. It is key to step back and spot patterns, as you note. I have recently gotten better about being kinder to myself and accepting that the “crash” periods (which involve more scrolling than I’d care to admit) are part of the ride. In turn, those dill pickle popcorn hours have become more *actually* restorative and a bit less prolonged because I’m not beating myself up in my head the whole time. It took a long time to get here.
Just finished your book last night and this is a wonderful coda. Look forward to seeing where your vision takes you with the album cover.