WHAT IF YOU FORGET YOURSELF WHILE WORKING FOR YOURSELF?
I can’t remember the last time I wrote in my journal in earnest… maybe about a year ago? It’s one of my better habits I’ve let slide. Thank goodness for this newsletter or I’d likely just be a see-through ghost by now! Isn’t it crazy that in this world it takes actual practice to remember yourself?!
In the past three months there have been days (though very few) where I find myself with a few hours to kill. I am at once excited and relieved, but then those feelings will crumble into anxiety; what do I even like to do?? I know the activities by name; gardening, writing, hiking, arranging stuff, drawing, going to the gym, making things, etc., but I can’t summon any desire for, or memory of enjoying them? Does that make sense? It’s like looking at your own hands and having no idea what to do with them. There’s a level of burnout that makes you a bit numb but also an active, stingy gatekeeper to your own joy. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I truly believe it’s, for the most part, an addiction to our electronic devices. I know, “DUH",” we all know that… but to say “I am an addict” does actually help begin to change your relationship with it. Even as someone who does not use theirs as much as most people, I know I am addicted… I love working on my computer, but I also succumb to shopping online for things I actually need, but then also some wild shit that I will never actually buy; entire suites of art deco furniture, real estate, huge neon signs and the like. I don’t need to do this. I don’t want to do this. Traveling and being bored at 5am doesn’t help my cause however.
I do remember having these panicky feelings about “what to do” as a younger person, both before and after my ADHD diagnosis at 19, obviously way before electronic devices (save TV and radio) took over our lives. After the diagnosis I was rabidly determined never to waste another second of my life now that my brain was “unstuck,” but that created its own set of pressures. It’s like when you want to draw something and the page of paper is so pristine and beautiful you don’t want to spoil it with possible crappy markings. You stop before you start.
Luckily, this last week was ManFriendJeff’s birthday, so we did something we don’t normally do; we went to a rock show. People will go out of their way a tiny bit for birthdays, especially if it’s someone else’s, so it was a fine confluence that ManFriend was picking me up from the airport the same night The Hard Quartet played Higher Ground in Burlington. Our state’s largest city is a good hour-forty five away from home, not to mention there was a winter storm warning, so we would likely not have gone. I am so glad we did. The music was so good, so elastic and loopy, and the melodies were exquisite. They were loose and having fun like people who can really play. That’s because they are a band made of Steven Malkmus, Matt Sweeney, Emmett Kelly and one of Earth’s greatest drummers, Jim White. They all tower in their own right. It was the perfect sized crowd, a kind energy in the room and you could tell the band felt comfortable. The songs weren’t all about love, and the harmonies soared; they weren’t the precious, cloying Mumford type, they had lift and power and tenderness when called for. The guitar sounds were delicious. Everyone’s personality shown and elevated the others. They are DEEP on tour right now, so check out the link above and GO if you can. I can’t recommend more highly. I was so inspired.
I am trying to keep that sweet inspiration in my mind and body as I move forward into the next week. I have to be methodical about it. Several years ago I decided I needed to make myself some “starts” of projects I could just walk into without thought; a pre-set-up embroidery project I just needed to take out of a little travel bag to work on. It has no timeline. Pre-chopping veggies so making chicken tagine doesn’t seem so daunting. All the cleaning products for a specific task gathered in one place, ready to go. Does this sound familiar to you? How do you kickstart yourself? I am dying to know, as the projects we really want to do are so good for soothing our general constitutions and mental health.
And HEY! I have a big announcement tomorrow so come on back! Thank you! Send those creativity boosting ideas! XO!
Coco wants you all to check out her belly.
When I die, my epitaph will say "she died doing what she loved - making lists of things she thought she would get to."
Hi Neko, since I retired from work I also don't write in my journal as much, I channeled my anxiety from work into it so it must be positive in that sense.
We moved and all my familiar things and dear objects aren't to hand so I get obsessed with finding them, and then realising I don't need them.
I find myself thinking of my friends more and have dedicated one morning every week for coffee and chat with my best friend.
I am writing more creative stuff than anti anxiety affirmations.
I record songs nearly every day for my own consumption on my analog recorder.
The fone is a worry to me but also it allows me to keep an ear out for you.
I listened to your book on audible and Jenny loved it as we drove to Melbourne.
I'm gardening and refurbished our fish pond.
I am getting more OCD ish but life is so beautiful and I feel privileged and grateful.
Every good muso I follow gives me tracks to look up.
And reading more, especially indigenous writers.
Also learning hieroglyphics is a good challenge.
Thank you for posting.
Love from Adelaide.