There is a time of day on 11th avenue, every single night of the week when the motorists trying to hit the tunnel lose their minds. Pedestrians be damned and horns be smashed firmly down into the “long-honk”position. Crossing the street is fucking dangerous and kinda necessary. Today I lost it and stopped a truck about to squish right over me with a large “HEY, MOTHERFUCKER! IT’S A RED FUCKING LIGHT!” Both driver and passenger responded with “Fuck you, bitch. Your breath smells like shit.” My hands formed into hooks with which to climb up the side of the cab and bite a face. Any face. I realized quickly that I was acting like an amped up frat turd. I was in the middle of the street ready to fight two dudes six feet above me in a cage with wheels. “Yeah, this is dumb.” I then noticed the guys were both repeating on a loop “Fuck you, bitch. Your breath smells like shit.” They looked rather blase about it which struck me as incredibly funny all the sudden. I laughed and they looked confused, but didn’t stop repeating their mantra. I gave up satisfied.
I like to keep a positive thing going here on Subtack, and today is no different, but sometimes it’s fun to just turn the lens on just how ridiculous we are. By we, I mean me. Sometimes I am irritated by the dumbest things, and most days I am adult enough to not react. I just take a verbal crap in my own mind. For example, long fake nails make my skin crawl. Why? I have no idea. The sound of them clicking on smartphone screens makes me apoplectic. I see them randomly on the ground; cast-offs in the grime. I think of them turning up in whales’ stomachs or being embedded in the bottom of my foot and I cringe. The funny thing is I see them all over the place in New York; on the street, in the elevator, on the floor of the cab, and in the hallway of my hotel. It’s like I’m a character in a surrealist Russian novel being hunted by my own mind. The really weird part is they are always the same color; seventies pantyhose apricot. It turns my stomach. I know this is completely unreasonable.
Everyone has their pet peeves, but when you are neurodivergent they can be comically specific. Here are some examples:
Pine Nuts
Bread and butter pickles
Stirrup pants (*rare, thank god…)
Talk Radio
Energy drinks
Plastic
The American flag
Egg Yolks
Mayo
Hot tubs
Sperry Topsiders
Trader Joes
The word “algorithm”
Business speak
Weed stores
That color gray everyone paints every interior with now so their house looks like an AirB&B (I never thought I’d see gray ruined! It’s a redhead’s best friend!)
Being called “Ma’am”
Dog bakeries
Microwaves
“Upcycle” the word and the practice (leave the antique wood furniture ALONE!)
Games (I was a really fun kid)
Books with the words “Wife” or “Daughter” in the title
Wearing cadmium red
And finally, get that fucking wad of arugula off my chicken parm
Do I sound like a nut job yet? I know. As I close out my two week stint in NYC, please join me by responding with your most bizarre peeves. Don’t hold back. Letting it out feels GOOD!
This spy from my subconscious follows me EVERYWHERE in this town!The EYES!
People who don’t keep their phones on silent. People who FaceTime with someone while they’re walking through a public place or a grocery store, without earbuds. Any person on an airplane having a conversation on their phone.
This was too easy. I could write 50 more paragraphs, but I have to go to yoga now Namaste fuckers.
ooh I love a little rant of good-natured complaining, my offhand top 10:
1. me hearing myself say "absolutely" repeatedly when trying to convey my fake or real interest in what someone is saying.
2. anything Billy Joel, but especially that song that lists a bunch of stuff.
3. yoga pants that aren't black turn my eyes into ex rays and I can see/imagine everything, and the person might as well be naked and I don't like it.
4. the phrase "women who rock"
5. people in clothing that advertises weird boring corporate names like "Hollister" or "Billabong"
5a. redux reissue CBGBs, Ramones, Nirvana and Bowie shirts sold at chain stores
6. those big giant holes some people make in their ear lobes
7. people who walk their dog without being focused on the dog, just clomping along not seeing what the dog wants to do or letting it have a big sniff fest every few feet
8. when you're 3 people and one keeps not making eye contact with the other person, it drives me crazy and I start staring at the unseen person trying to make the avoider look at them
9. When you decide to be nice and hold the door for a stranger, but really they were kind of far away and they see you doing it and then they have to walk faster and it's just so awkward
10. people at the grocery store buying cases of plastic bottled water.