CAVE DWELLER

I am deep down the rabbit hole of ADHD, neurodivergent, sublime chaos at the moment. I’m cooking with tiny lightning. My brain is a storm. One minute I am Thor; I create, destroy then create again. The next minute I am a long, grey rabbit; leaping out of danger… just missing ruination. My lungs are bellows in my chest, connected by sinewy threads to my hip bones, so that as I run they stretch thin with explosive action and accordion the air in and out of my chest in the utmost heartbreaking example of nature's clever efficiency. This is how the firing of neurons in the “Mind Palace” feels. The yin and yang of being predator and prey; each energy as powerful, keeping the opposite alive. This is a place I live for. The place that always lit me up. The place where I am the universe.

I am making and building things for album artwork. I forget to put regular clothes on and spend the day in PJ’s, unaware. Eating constantly, straight out of the fridge or whatever is at hand. My brain is starving! I am deeply annoyed by any alert on my phone. Coco the dog keeps me from the frustration of having moments and ideas collapse in on themselves by getting me to take her out to pee. I take a moment and breathe in the cold, snowy air. It resets me. Coco the dog is so unfailingly good and helpful and always nudges my arm at just the right moment to be petted or go out. She is integral to my emotional and physical regulation. She deserves a raise, so I give her a treat on the way back in the house. 

I never know exactly what I am making, I’m following a blurry impression of an idea at a flat out run. An idea that made me feel a split second of the grind of the Earth on her axis as though I were pushing the planet all by myself. Something technicolor. Some people have ideas and shape them perfectly before they commit them to song or sculpture or physicality of some kind. I am not one of those people. I don’t like to know in advance. I love the thrill of the reveal so I keep it from myself, though not on purpose… I’m not that clever, just in love with the process of taking something molten from my mind and shaping and cooling it to a form to place into the “physical” world populated by people and their senses. What a privilege, what a luxury…

When I was little I watched my mother make things from nothing all the time. We were really poor but she could decorate a house to make it a unique and cozy dwelling no matter how ratty, or make a dinner that felt like a celebration out of just boxed food leftovers and vegetables. I was in awe of her. It was the most important lesson she gave me; if you don’t have it, you can make it out of seemingly nothing. You can make it out of something else discarded. You can elevate nothingness to singular authenticity. Everything can feel special when you cast your intent over it. It is a gentle power. A lullabye of respect for the things we need and take for granted. 

I would sometimes come home from school and the whole house would be rearranged and different. Mom had been off work and in her Mind Palace all day, moving things around. Her intention fused everything together, shiny and clean. There were new angles and vistas and old things used in a different way seemed brand new. It was magical. Sometimes Rome is built in a day! She had been happy with herself, which was rare. It was a glimpse of her inner phoenix which she rarely let out. I was always trying to convince her to, but as the years went by it began to look more like bullying to her. How heartbreaking.

My own Mind Palace has taken many hits but it doesn’t usually let me down. Granted, warming it up to operation temperature takes a great deal of anxiety inducing procrastination. Lot’s of ADHD people are like this, I don’t know why the 11th hour is the one we live in… We need emergency, I suppose? Or is that people with trauma? But I don’t like being late, or feeling late and I have learned some great habits from exceptionally organized people (Thank you Laura Veirs and kd Lang!) and do get a trill out of being prepared. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat the whole thing standing over the sink in my pajamas. 

What strange procrastinating do you do to warm up your brain? 

*** Also, we should change “ADHD” to “ASHN.” The final “D” in ADHD stands for “disorder,” which neurodivergence is not. It is normal, interesting, and yes, sometimes annoying and frustrating, but most of the time just part of who you are. And the first “D” should be an “S.” So instead of “Attention DEFICIT hyperactivity DISORDER”, it would be “Attention Specialized Hyperactivity Neurodivergent.”

What the HELL am I making? Concentrated Ginger/Turmeric/Rosemary tea helps sustain me when I am burning it at both ends.