Thank you for sharing. We had different experiences but share that I’m also the child of two addicts (dad alcohol, mom alcohol and later painkillers). My childhood was decent in the beginning and by the time I was 13 things had gone sideways. I can’t understate the damage the lies and gaslighting caused. They had opportunity to do so, but there is still a lack of accountability for their actions. This is part of why I don’t have a relationship with them, even though they are alive.
Your music helped me through a lot of this, especially your album The Worse Things Get. ..It was a lifeline for me when I was dealing with the early days of estrangement from my mom. ❤️
So true! We are trying to break that cycle but I see it play out in the larger world. Gen X and later are seen as whiners for even mentioning that these things happened in our families.
The path out of a "complete erasure of our personhood" is so very long and painful and ongoing - one I, quite honestly, struggle to stay on daily. I'm glad you had/have a companion witness, Neko. Love you.
My parents were both products of alcoholic parents ~ extremely physically and emotionally abusive ones. I saw the scars on my mother’s body.
They stopped the generational cycle, somehow. I was lucky.
They both died when I was young, and for a long time I was sure my trials and tribulations related to their early exit were akin to Job, but when I got just a little bit older, I learned better.
When my wife died of cancer at 50, I couldn’t really listen to music for what felt like forever.
It hurt too much ~ my biggest Medicine had become unbearable.
There was one exception, and it’s called Middle Cyclone.
I didn’t know anything about your personal story then, but I felt enfolded and safe, listening to that album, until I could start feeling alive again. It took awhile.
i just wanted you to know.
Thanks for everything, especially for telling the truth, no matter what.
Another therapist here to say how much I love your voice—in all of the meanings of the word—and your willingness to say the hard things. I-5 is the spinal column of my own body map. It runs through the middle of the Northern California city where I grew up, to where I returned when my father needed help, and from where I am planning my escape to New York. I feel the grief you describe about the pillaging of the landscape, the repeated loss of a loved one to Alzheimer’s, and the value of a shared history with a kindred spirit. Thank you so much for this!
Gosh, this resonated on so many levels. The thought I had though, as I noted reading several times "I know this is wrong" was just, well... no. No, it's not wrong to feel any kind of way, especially when you are the collateral damage. You don't have to have compassion for the shitty choices that the people who were supposed to love you made. For the addicts who created and then destroyed their families. Because at the end of the day we all make our own choices. I too, am collateral damage. I don't have an ounce of compassion for the people who did that to me and I'm not sorry about it. We feel what we feel and it doesn't have to be right or wrong. It just is.
As an adult child of abusive negletctful addicts, I don't hold much compassion compassion for addicts who abuse and or abandon their children. I reserve my compassion for those addicts willing to hold themselves accountable and try to make it right as undoable as that may be. Much loving kindness to you.
You passed right by me, and for whatever reason the thought is so comforting to me. Your voice has been the source of my comfort from ugly things for two decades, and I am so endeared to you, despite being a stranger.
My first home in Washington was Lynnwood for a couple years, now I'm in Seattle in the swooshing hub-bub of this beautiful city. It's too much people for me, I crave the silence of the forest, but I will enjoy the benefits while I'm here. Having everything I need in the outside world within walking distance is fantastic. I'm grateful for the roof over my head.
Imagine this aging old punk rocker fella waving as you pass by the city next time. "Hello and goodbye, Neko! Thanks for all the wonderful music!"
Man, did I ever feel this one. I was born in Oregon, and moved to Vancouver Island when my mom remarried a Canadian. We'd travel up and down that stretch of highway a dozen times a year at least when we'd visit my dad and family back home. As an adult, I'm back in Portland now, but I still go back often to visit friends and family. The length of the Washington I-5 corridor is probably part of my DNA at this point, and I could give the "correct" border patrol answers in my sleep. Thank you for sharing this.
I think Jackson Browne had the best answer for those who tell us we should be better than we can be. "Don't confront me with my failures, I am aware of them..."
Thank you for sharing. We had different experiences but share that I’m also the child of two addicts (dad alcohol, mom alcohol and later painkillers). My childhood was decent in the beginning and by the time I was 13 things had gone sideways. I can’t understate the damage the lies and gaslighting caused. They had opportunity to do so, but there is still a lack of accountability for their actions. This is part of why I don’t have a relationship with them, even though they are alive.
Your music helped me through a lot of this, especially your album The Worse Things Get. ..It was a lifeline for me when I was dealing with the early days of estrangement from my mom. ❤️
Thank you for sharing, Neko. This is so beautifully written- and also makes me excited to read your upcoming book.
❤️❤️❤️
“If you are collateral damage my generation was told to ‘get over it.’” Truer words were never spoken.
So true! We are trying to break that cycle but I see it play out in the larger world. Gen X and later are seen as whiners for even mentioning that these things happened in our families.
The path out of a "complete erasure of our personhood" is so very long and painful and ongoing - one I, quite honestly, struggle to stay on daily. I'm glad you had/have a companion witness, Neko. Love you.
I love you too.
My parents were both products of alcoholic parents ~ extremely physically and emotionally abusive ones. I saw the scars on my mother’s body.
They stopped the generational cycle, somehow. I was lucky.
They both died when I was young, and for a long time I was sure my trials and tribulations related to their early exit were akin to Job, but when I got just a little bit older, I learned better.
When my wife died of cancer at 50, I couldn’t really listen to music for what felt like forever.
It hurt too much ~ my biggest Medicine had become unbearable.
There was one exception, and it’s called Middle Cyclone.
I didn’t know anything about your personal story then, but I felt enfolded and safe, listening to that album, until I could start feeling alive again. It took awhile.
i just wanted you to know.
Thanks for everything, especially for telling the truth, no matter what.
Thank you for taking us on this road trip through this green memoryscape I love so well.
“How good it was to have a companion witness.”
Amen. For me, this speaks to a role your work has played for me.
Love you, cousin.
Another therapist here to say how much I love your voice—in all of the meanings of the word—and your willingness to say the hard things. I-5 is the spinal column of my own body map. It runs through the middle of the Northern California city where I grew up, to where I returned when my father needed help, and from where I am planning my escape to New York. I feel the grief you describe about the pillaging of the landscape, the repeated loss of a loved one to Alzheimer’s, and the value of a shared history with a kindred spirit. Thank you so much for this!
What a gorgeous read!
Regarding addicts, your feelings and your beliefs are separate things. We all have areas where those travel in opposite directions ❤️
Thank you. It's nice to be reminded of this sometimes :)
Gosh, this resonated on so many levels. The thought I had though, as I noted reading several times "I know this is wrong" was just, well... no. No, it's not wrong to feel any kind of way, especially when you are the collateral damage. You don't have to have compassion for the shitty choices that the people who were supposed to love you made. For the addicts who created and then destroyed their families. Because at the end of the day we all make our own choices. I too, am collateral damage. I don't have an ounce of compassion for the people who did that to me and I'm not sorry about it. We feel what we feel and it doesn't have to be right or wrong. It just is.
I can almost smell the forest floor, both past and present, from this essay. Thank you.
As an adult child of abusive negletctful addicts, I don't hold much compassion compassion for addicts who abuse and or abandon their children. I reserve my compassion for those addicts willing to hold themselves accountable and try to make it right as undoable as that may be. Much loving kindness to you.
I have just listened to the song, with Mark Lanegan on my way home, right now. ❤️
You passed right by me, and for whatever reason the thought is so comforting to me. Your voice has been the source of my comfort from ugly things for two decades, and I am so endeared to you, despite being a stranger.
My first home in Washington was Lynnwood for a couple years, now I'm in Seattle in the swooshing hub-bub of this beautiful city. It's too much people for me, I crave the silence of the forest, but I will enjoy the benefits while I'm here. Having everything I need in the outside world within walking distance is fantastic. I'm grateful for the roof over my head.
Imagine this aging old punk rocker fella waving as you pass by the city next time. "Hello and goodbye, Neko! Thanks for all the wonderful music!"
Man, did I ever feel this one. I was born in Oregon, and moved to Vancouver Island when my mom remarried a Canadian. We'd travel up and down that stretch of highway a dozen times a year at least when we'd visit my dad and family back home. As an adult, I'm back in Portland now, but I still go back often to visit friends and family. The length of the Washington I-5 corridor is probably part of my DNA at this point, and I could give the "correct" border patrol answers in my sleep. Thank you for sharing this.
I think Jackson Browne had the best answer for those who tell us we should be better than we can be. "Don't confront me with my failures, I am aware of them..."
https://youtu.be/bAw-nY8hL6c?si=FcUdWQ5WtPYDyYi0
I had that song on a LOOP.