GARBAGE DISPOSAL

It’s been a few days since my last post about lionizing a horrible man who has died. The fever pitch of adoration has only grown. My soul has felt like a garbage disposal trying to digest a dirty diaper. I have had hard conversations and noticed some very unsurprising and disappointing reactions. The most common is defensiveness, which is really bananas if you think about it. Why be defensive if you are told someone has done awful things? Especially if they have passed and they will face no consequences? Shock, dismay, disbelief, skepticism, sadness, and even anger would be some reactions that seem more in line with such a revelation, but the defensiveness is what gives me pause.

I think people are scared and embarrassed by the news. They don’t like feeling that way, duh, but they react as though you are attacking them personally. A manipulator manipulates people, that’s what they do. The ones who are good at it get away with it because people love the flattery and feeling important to the manipulator. Yes, we were manipulated, and some people are seriously harmed. It happens. But many people seem to think they were supposed to be experts in criminal psychology and would have spotted it if it were actually true? It’s asinine on every level. Most of us are NOT experts on this kind of criminal behavior unless it’s something specific that actually happened to us and we have processed it for years with professional help and loving support. Even then, no one’s radar is foolproof. I was in a band with a pedophile for years, my band and myself having absolutely no idea. There were zero signs. He could hide it easily because his criminal focus was not on us as adults. It was a good hiding place. When we all learned the news our reaction was not defensiveness, it was shock, horror and sorrow. We cut ties with him and denounced his actions utterly. It was horrible, but it wasn’t a moral fight with ourselves. What he was engaged in was absolutely unacceptable at every level. End of story. This kind of manipulation HAPPENS. And yes, to you too.

Yet, when you give someone the news that someone is engaged in seriously shitty behavior involving female persons, people will go as far as disbelieving large groups of people who have stepped up, at great risk to themselves to speak out. Yes, there is an occasional psychopath who wants fucked up attention, and I’ve seen that too, but they are RARE. In regards to most human beings, why on earth would someone want to be known for how they were manipulated, raped, assaulted, coercively controlled or abused? What about that would be appealing in any way? Telling people you were raped or abused is its own Hell. My father spent his entire life writhing away from the truth of his childhood sexual abuse. It warped his life and ultimately killed him. He could not deal with it. He drank himself to death.

As social media has shown us, everyone wants to be an expert. People are constantly defending their unshakeable “rightness” as though we were a species and society without any nuance or variety of experience. Shitty little comments about people who speak up are more important to them than the actual abuse of women and children. Its a fucking war of rightness and propriety. Yes, it is “the system” and blah, blah, blah… we know. All the other phrases we are pounded with on a daily basis that polarize and isolate us don’t help either, and seem to act as an invite for people to use them harder and more righteously than the other person. Its a distracting waste of fucking time, which helps no one. Also duh. No critical thinking required. I’ve engaged in it in the past too. Guilty. That zoomed-out perspective has numbed us to the human cost. I’m not surprised at the lack of compassion and the defensiveness, which makes me incredibly sad. The defensiveness about the recently dead man and the “surprise” at the reported abuse in the Epstein case, are what make me see red. “How did this happen? How did it go so far!?” Well, remember when I told you almost 20 years ago dude was a fucking creep? Or how I mention it every time his name comes up and you blow it off? THAT IS HOW IT GOES SO FAR. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MORE PEOPLE ARE SERIOUSLY HURT, AND SOME EVEN DIE.

So if you are annoyed by people speaking out about rape, human trafficing, coercive control or abuse, please take a good long look at your reasons for this. Is it less annoying if you hear about it from a “male expert” or law enforcement? Ask yourself why. Be BRAVE ENOUGH TO LISTEN to what you hear inside your soul. It is literally the bare minimum and it can save your own life too.

***I capitalize “BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO LISTEN” because it is the most important sentence I have ever heard in regards to ending sexual abuse, helping survivors and yourself. It cannot be trumpeted loudly enough. It was said by the late, great Barry Crimmins, stand up comedian and fearless champion who fought hard for children exploited for child pornography on the internet and elsewhere. He is one of my heroes and you can learn more about him in Bobcat Goldthwait’s incredible documentary about Barry called “Call Me Lucky.”