Dear lord! Are you living rent free inside of me with this masterpiece of an entry today? I am at the doctor's office NOW to get panic attack meds or a straight jacket. You have brilliantly described and poured out your own experiences that mirror others. Thank you for reminding me to learn something from my putrid pits.
I just started EMDR. My sea monster is a huge ball of cold spaghetti and meatballs. It makes that disgusting mucous-lacking-moisture sound when I start to stir it up. Started to stir during yesterday's session, it tried to lodge in my esophagus so hard it felt like it was wedged in (entering -xo) my lungs. Eventually it made it to my throat where it was a painful trichobezoar that refused to budge. After a calming meditation, it managed to sticky-slide back down to its visceral den.
Thanks so much for sharing and creating space for this important conversation. I spent a couple decades assuming because what I went through wasn't "that bad" and that I'm a relatively well functioning and contributing member of society that I was fine.
But a series of challenging life events popped up and kinda knocked me on my ass. In the course of working through those, it became clear that being just "fine" isn't happy, it isn't healthy, it isn't living. That as much as I didn't want to see myself as impacted or hurt by the things that happened growing up, that they shaped some fundamental ways in which I engage with the world.
I now find myself in a place where that past 5-6 years of therapy helped me understand a lot more about myself but understanding doesn't remove the feelings. And that's where I feel a little stuck now. Anti-depressants help reduce the lows but rob me of my highs.
The book "The Body Keeps Score" has helped place me on a new journey where I'm exploring different forms of treatment. I'm particularly interested in the role psychedelics can play, though only one treatment is FDA approved and insurance will only cover the least effective form of that, Spravato. Working on getting insurance approval for that now but this whole process is just yet another reminder how poorly our society values and supports mental health.
And if it's this hard for me, a white cis male with privilege, what chances do people with lesser means and greater challenges have to find the relief they need and deserve? The thought just makes me all the more depressed.
Not sure if leaving a follow up on an almost year old post is worth it, but on the off chance someone revisits this thread, I wanted to share that ketamine has been a game changer in my mental health. I knew I was feeling stuck and unable to enjoy life, but it wasn't until the cloud of depression and anxiety began to lift that I saw just how unhappy I had become.
Since treatment, I've been able to feel what it's like to be happy again. And life gave me a chance to test out how well the treatment was working by throwing some adversity my way. Last year I experienced several painful losses, a dear aunt who had a sudden heart attack and both of my dogs, who had been the by-my-side companions through life's up and downs for 14 years. When I was on SSRIs before this, I was unable to cry at my grandma's funeral which didn't quite feel healthy. With the losses of the past year, I cried my eyes out. I wasn't numb to the pain, I felt it, I grieved, I honored their lives and what they meant to me. I was able to process the losses but not get stuck in the sadness. I was able to feel happiness again and find beauty in the world.
For those who haven't gotten relief from SSRIs or just feel like they just help you get by, please know other forms of help are out there now. Ketamine won't be for everyone, but there are other newer forms too include TMS, biofeedback, etc. Please don't give up the hope.
my man, I wouldn't do it. Things like dreams are undoubtedly fascinating, but if you're going to therapy for your psychedelic treatment, it might cut you off from other people, like dreams. You won't really find another energy, you know? I mean they can be a gateway, to recognizing the magic of ordinary things - but it is complicated then, perhaps, when it becomes something which is other than what is ordinary. In other words, is the ordinary extraordinary? Again, I don't think medical professionals are really up to par within their knowledge of the "logarithmic spiral" like the golden spiral, which caused the famous mathematician Bernoulli (one of two famous math brothers) to remark 'although changed I will rise again the same' - a quote and a symbol which he wished to have associated with his grave - anyway the point I am trying to make is that ordinary things, indeed, are mystical, if not harder to come by. And so if you have to do your psychedelic stuff through some bamboozled institution, maybe then even they need to re-recognize the nature of psychedelic things. Anyway, good luck upon your journey.
After 20 plus years of carrying another person in my organism, I finally saw an EMDR therapist. Every week for almost 2 years.
I had hints in the preceding decades that I was carrying a lot of extra weight and that it was not just me in here, but I was content to treat the occasional breakthrough symptoms. That time on occasion: that would happen when you looked in the mirror, and you could see that slight outline of somebody else in there. It was enough to invoke curiosity, but the fear would then kick in and I would make excuses for why that really wasn't true. And would figure out how to muddle on. Afterall Ignorance can be bliss.... for a time.
Afterall I had survived for decades this way. And I thought most people thought I was normal. I thought I was normal. It came as a total shock to me that I was not. I never picked up on all the times I would tell stories from my growing up and laugh that people were actually kind of taken aback. People can be so polite. This further reinforced to me that what I experienced was normal. 20 some years later I figured out that was NOT how normal families lived or operated.
The therapy at first was revealing. It was like meeting that stranger you carried inside for years, finally acknowledging their presence and horrific face. At first they were scary. But over time I began to get less afraid. And got to know this person on my OWN terms. Instead of as a surprising stranger that poppe dup now and then at the worst possible time.
Much like with some of the more problematic people in my life, I learned to set boundaries for them. And learned that if they were forever going to be inside me, that I could shift them around so they were comfortable to cary. ON MY TERMS. Since I am providing the home and ride here.
When something becomes understood and familiar, rather than closeted, it sets the stage for forgiveness. I learned to forgive and love again some of the transgressors. Especially now that I could see the other people living in them. I learned to see the scared kid in a Vietnam Jungle pinned down under fire with other people's brains and blood spattered on his uniform. And the father that so horribly abused him to make him run willingly to Vietnam as if it were some great relief from his daily life at home. Sometimes we don't see the people others have in them until we see the people inside ourselves and have that awareness.
After 2 years my therapist told me she had done about all she could do for me. But frankly it was a LOT. I was much better having faced the other inside. I would never say CURED though. Kind of like living with a genetic disease, these things never really go away. But if you learn to adjust to be as comfortable as possible with them, and handle them on your terms instead of theirs, happiness can be possible. I would never say NORMALITY is possible. Partially because I don't think now I would ever WANT to be normal. (That would require yet MORE readjustment.) The light at the end of this is you do get stronger. and you do develop a hard earned resilience. the kind nobody can take away from you.
I wish you the best of luck. And to anybody here struggling similarly. A good therapist really is your best friend. I wish I had figured that out sooner in my life. And I certainly wish that had been an option for my dad.
Thanks for sharing Neko. I'm your age and am too working through things from my past that have kept me stuck for most of my life. Mine is in the form of a hard plug in my throat that has kept me from asserting my voice and which constricts in an ill attempt to keep my unregulated emotions from volcano-ing in vulnerable moments. The plug kind of works, but mostly doesn't. I too have sought help and am learning to turn that plug into a candy-coated licorice lozenge that is slowly melting away. I am learning to be grateful for all the ways that plug has tried to protect me, and yet I am ready for it to dissolve, to cork, whatever. May you keep paving the way for that sea monster to joyfully slide out of your heart.
This post has helped me, so thank you. I wish you the best and hope that therapy gives you what you need.
I traded therapy for watching videos of dogs being reunited with their lost people, at least YouTube doesn't make me identify goals for those tears. And it triggers a similar fault slip in the tehom, the cosmic ocean, where my formless experiences are now the swampy home for that famous stack of turtles on which my world rides. Sometimes they are kind of bitey, but if you approach them from the side you won't lose any digits.
Rooster Woodgrain is a gorgeous cat! My cat Jake, my childhood buddy, looked just like Rooster. Jake and I would play hide-and-seek together when I was 5. Thank you for this beautiful and cathartic post. Excavation is so exhausting and strange. Rather than creatures that live in my body rent-free, my body turns into a cello that someone is tuning. Numbed extremities and radial pain from the crown of my head, down my throat, to my heart, through the center of my torso, pulling and tightening the strings.
So excited for this journey for you!! I absolutely love my CPTSD/trauma/somatic/EMDR therapy. It’s literally the only thing that has managed to tone down my pain, and I haven’t even started the main trauma work yet. So many aspects of my life can be touched with it, so we’re working on those tendrils first.
I’ve even been able to start playing guitar again after too many years of pain/depression, woooooo so many feels now!
Good luck with your healing journey, may it bring you some needed peace! 💚
Who IS living rent free in my body? What an amazing question. I am going to think about that. Your writings are very useful. You move me, inspire me, challenge me, and bring me back to my human-animalness. Thank you so much.
I'm a little stuck by this, this is um... I just came from my own blog where I published my first post in two months, and Neko I literally describe that adrenaline rush and healing trauma. I couldn't sleep last night, and yesterday I kept having waves of anxiety/sadness amidst trying to keep my head above water. I... Here. https://www.wildingart.com/blog/we-interrupt-your-regularly-scheduled-broadcast
I'm so so so happy you are going to therapy. Its hard, and it does feel weird and exaggerated, but it's literally what we need to process trauma. You can do this. Love you. So so much 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
I came back for a reread and book grab, as per usual. I need to maintain my top of the class status, ya know. I read everyone's comments and it makes me so happy to see everyone share their stories. I think you're wish is coming true. I also decided that my monster is just an even shorter, darker femme with a full Portuguese accent and stone cold death glare. That's one of the benefits of going through some bullshit: the acquisition of the death glare. Ain't no one gonna fuck with you with that face. Peace, darlin.
Oh one more thing. Imo you can't really kick your monsters out. Their your roommates, you gotta just set up some strict house rules. After a while you can strategize to use them to your advantage. Like a little internalized mutant army, like X-Men. That's what I think at least.
I had a Hades pit in my head that was filled with all of the inherited and inflicted trauma. Honestly used to be terrified to go to therapy because I was afraid if I faced it head-on I would fall apart and be unable to go to work, pay bills, become homeless again, etc. The fear was its own beast. Like when they say, ope that's a load-bearing trauma we don't wanna shift that, doc, the whole thing will collapse. But I went, and had to stop because it got a lot worse before it got better, went back in fits and starts as EAP let me, and the pit in my head gradually became shallower as I worked through things. Now it's a barren desert plain with occasional small fires and tumbleweeds that are mostly manageable. So many long talks with ghouls, ghosts, and former selves. I wish you all the peace in working through your stuff. May the beast become small enough to kick or cuddle as needed.
I love your words and feels and mind. I’m 50 and just got a divorce and cancer diagnosis so I am crawling up out of blackness. It’s been rough as hell, but I feel smarter and ready to live without fear now. Cancer helped me understand a lot of pain from my past and Therapy is good.I wish you the best and you are loved by strangers. Your words and music are magic! I’m glad you exist🧚♀️💪
I'm sorry I have no life. This is it. This is what I have going for me rn. Anyway. I was thinking about this anger stuff today for myself, and processing it and all that. And I just want to say that I miss Angry Neko™️. I know I know, it's /toxic/. I think I caught the tail end of your Twitter rage, but omg I loved it. I'm not trying to be an enabler or anything. And I mean I wouldn't want it full throttle directed at me - tho I am sure that if it was it would probably be deserved. But gosh I still remember you throwing some good punches. I would pay good money to go back in time and see you start a fight in a club. The 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨!! That's all.
I didn't mean to glorify your anger here like maybe I think it came off. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate. I was again meditating pretty heavy on my own journey tonight, and trying to figure out what boundaries I need to put it place for myself, and what would need to be healed. It's not always a firm line to draw. Then I was scrolling through my timeline on insta and this Nina video popped up and it really captured my feelings.
It's even more synchronous because it comes from a point in her career where she was touring so much (on top of marriage issues, and civil rights movement stuff), it was really effecting her mental health. I feel like I'm this video you can really see how warn down she looks. The song feels personal in a way she may e never intended. I don't know, it's how it feels to me. And it's how it feels.
I changed my mind. I went in a Nina Live rabbit hole last night and figured out it was probably intentional.
I know you're creating a positive space and I sometimes come in as a know-it-all asshole. I'm trying to follow your example but sometimes I catch myself post-asshole comment. I used to have the fawn-response with everyone. Then at some point when I finally found my voice, it was empowering to finally just bite back. I'm trying to find middle ground. Neither is healthy. I'm working on it.
First of all I LOVE YOU and manfriendjeff is a good ally ❤️❤️. You've got me all riled up now to make a long post about this stuff - and you know what just got stuck in my window sill??? A PAPER WASP.
Okay its a little nauseating now to keep crawling back in here like the arthropod I am BUT I have a serious question for you. The supreme court hasn't made a final ruling yet, right? It's just a draft. I'm trying to climb through the articles again to see when it would be final. But the SC doesn't make decisions alone, right? They get pressured like everyone else. So is there specific politicians we can harass about this? I read that Biden is pressuring Congress to something something - I need to read it again. I also can't remember when they are going to finalize the draft - from what I understand there's still time.
Don't get me wrong, education is super important and so is donating. I fully support that 1000% for ever and always at any time. But I would like to see more options for direct action when it comes to swaying politicians that can help us with what feels like a more immediate fire. Certainly there are politicians who straddle both sides of the fence for popularity votes - right? I don't know my dumb little female bird brain can't keep up lol.
I'm going to try and organize something from my little corner, but it's so hard when no one is paying attention. I know I am seemingly bad at organizing things and following thru, but I promise you I am NOT. In 2017 I helped run Women's March in CU and we had 5k people show up. I wrote the speeches! I went to every planning meeting and stayed up the whole night before to help them strategize. That's not my first rodeo either. I It's just so hard to do stuff on your own.
I don't want to just sit here and cry like a baby bird. There's got to be something that is practical and more immediate, right? BLM gained no more moment after 2020. The protests didn't work. Things got worse. This one is going to be the same if we can't get the motherfuckers to LISTEN. Then what? We keep fighting the same battles whole fucking Cargill mows over more Prairie to build bullshit.
Please know I'm not mad at you or anything of the sort. I'm not panicking either. I'm just searching for answers. I hope you get that. And if you can't answer it's okay!! I'll look other places. I'm a baby bird who can fly a little lol.
I dunno neko, it seems like if you want to break out more of your horse-woman paraphernalia and slay some Romans in a very non-literal way, now would be the time. And by slay I mean win their hearts and minds or whatever the fuck we're supposed to do.
Dear lord! Are you living rent free inside of me with this masterpiece of an entry today? I am at the doctor's office NOW to get panic attack meds or a straight jacket. You have brilliantly described and poured out your own experiences that mirror others. Thank you for reminding me to learn something from my putrid pits.
I hope your doctor's visit goes well!! I hope you rest easy.
Thank you, Nica. Waiting at the pharmacy now and have plans for an epic nap later.
Epic naps are the best kind 💚
Love you, Neko.
I just started EMDR. My sea monster is a huge ball of cold spaghetti and meatballs. It makes that disgusting mucous-lacking-moisture sound when I start to stir it up. Started to stir during yesterday's session, it tried to lodge in my esophagus so hard it felt like it was wedged in (entering -xo) my lungs. Eventually it made it to my throat where it was a painful trichobezoar that refused to budge. After a calming meditation, it managed to sticky-slide back down to its visceral den.
Thanks so much for sharing and creating space for this important conversation. I spent a couple decades assuming because what I went through wasn't "that bad" and that I'm a relatively well functioning and contributing member of society that I was fine.
But a series of challenging life events popped up and kinda knocked me on my ass. In the course of working through those, it became clear that being just "fine" isn't happy, it isn't healthy, it isn't living. That as much as I didn't want to see myself as impacted or hurt by the things that happened growing up, that they shaped some fundamental ways in which I engage with the world.
I now find myself in a place where that past 5-6 years of therapy helped me understand a lot more about myself but understanding doesn't remove the feelings. And that's where I feel a little stuck now. Anti-depressants help reduce the lows but rob me of my highs.
The book "The Body Keeps Score" has helped place me on a new journey where I'm exploring different forms of treatment. I'm particularly interested in the role psychedelics can play, though only one treatment is FDA approved and insurance will only cover the least effective form of that, Spravato. Working on getting insurance approval for that now but this whole process is just yet another reminder how poorly our society values and supports mental health.
And if it's this hard for me, a white cis male with privilege, what chances do people with lesser means and greater challenges have to find the relief they need and deserve? The thought just makes me all the more depressed.
Not sure if leaving a follow up on an almost year old post is worth it, but on the off chance someone revisits this thread, I wanted to share that ketamine has been a game changer in my mental health. I knew I was feeling stuck and unable to enjoy life, but it wasn't until the cloud of depression and anxiety began to lift that I saw just how unhappy I had become.
Since treatment, I've been able to feel what it's like to be happy again. And life gave me a chance to test out how well the treatment was working by throwing some adversity my way. Last year I experienced several painful losses, a dear aunt who had a sudden heart attack and both of my dogs, who had been the by-my-side companions through life's up and downs for 14 years. When I was on SSRIs before this, I was unable to cry at my grandma's funeral which didn't quite feel healthy. With the losses of the past year, I cried my eyes out. I wasn't numb to the pain, I felt it, I grieved, I honored their lives and what they meant to me. I was able to process the losses but not get stuck in the sadness. I was able to feel happiness again and find beauty in the world.
For those who haven't gotten relief from SSRIs or just feel like they just help you get by, please know other forms of help are out there now. Ketamine won't be for everyone, but there are other newer forms too include TMS, biofeedback, etc. Please don't give up the hope.
my man, I wouldn't do it. Things like dreams are undoubtedly fascinating, but if you're going to therapy for your psychedelic treatment, it might cut you off from other people, like dreams. You won't really find another energy, you know? I mean they can be a gateway, to recognizing the magic of ordinary things - but it is complicated then, perhaps, when it becomes something which is other than what is ordinary. In other words, is the ordinary extraordinary? Again, I don't think medical professionals are really up to par within their knowledge of the "logarithmic spiral" like the golden spiral, which caused the famous mathematician Bernoulli (one of two famous math brothers) to remark 'although changed I will rise again the same' - a quote and a symbol which he wished to have associated with his grave - anyway the point I am trying to make is that ordinary things, indeed, are mystical, if not harder to come by. And so if you have to do your psychedelic stuff through some bamboozled institution, maybe then even they need to re-recognize the nature of psychedelic things. Anyway, good luck upon your journey.
After 20 plus years of carrying another person in my organism, I finally saw an EMDR therapist. Every week for almost 2 years.
I had hints in the preceding decades that I was carrying a lot of extra weight and that it was not just me in here, but I was content to treat the occasional breakthrough symptoms. That time on occasion: that would happen when you looked in the mirror, and you could see that slight outline of somebody else in there. It was enough to invoke curiosity, but the fear would then kick in and I would make excuses for why that really wasn't true. And would figure out how to muddle on. Afterall Ignorance can be bliss.... for a time.
Afterall I had survived for decades this way. And I thought most people thought I was normal. I thought I was normal. It came as a total shock to me that I was not. I never picked up on all the times I would tell stories from my growing up and laugh that people were actually kind of taken aback. People can be so polite. This further reinforced to me that what I experienced was normal. 20 some years later I figured out that was NOT how normal families lived or operated.
The therapy at first was revealing. It was like meeting that stranger you carried inside for years, finally acknowledging their presence and horrific face. At first they were scary. But over time I began to get less afraid. And got to know this person on my OWN terms. Instead of as a surprising stranger that poppe dup now and then at the worst possible time.
Much like with some of the more problematic people in my life, I learned to set boundaries for them. And learned that if they were forever going to be inside me, that I could shift them around so they were comfortable to cary. ON MY TERMS. Since I am providing the home and ride here.
When something becomes understood and familiar, rather than closeted, it sets the stage for forgiveness. I learned to forgive and love again some of the transgressors. Especially now that I could see the other people living in them. I learned to see the scared kid in a Vietnam Jungle pinned down under fire with other people's brains and blood spattered on his uniform. And the father that so horribly abused him to make him run willingly to Vietnam as if it were some great relief from his daily life at home. Sometimes we don't see the people others have in them until we see the people inside ourselves and have that awareness.
After 2 years my therapist told me she had done about all she could do for me. But frankly it was a LOT. I was much better having faced the other inside. I would never say CURED though. Kind of like living with a genetic disease, these things never really go away. But if you learn to adjust to be as comfortable as possible with them, and handle them on your terms instead of theirs, happiness can be possible. I would never say NORMALITY is possible. Partially because I don't think now I would ever WANT to be normal. (That would require yet MORE readjustment.) The light at the end of this is you do get stronger. and you do develop a hard earned resilience. the kind nobody can take away from you.
I wish you the best of luck. And to anybody here struggling similarly. A good therapist really is your best friend. I wish I had figured that out sooner in my life. And I certainly wish that had been an option for my dad.
Being in a custody battle for yourself with yourself is awful
Thanks for sharing Neko. I'm your age and am too working through things from my past that have kept me stuck for most of my life. Mine is in the form of a hard plug in my throat that has kept me from asserting my voice and which constricts in an ill attempt to keep my unregulated emotions from volcano-ing in vulnerable moments. The plug kind of works, but mostly doesn't. I too have sought help and am learning to turn that plug into a candy-coated licorice lozenge that is slowly melting away. I am learning to be grateful for all the ways that plug has tried to protect me, and yet I am ready for it to dissolve, to cork, whatever. May you keep paving the way for that sea monster to joyfully slide out of your heart.
This post has helped me, so thank you. I wish you the best and hope that therapy gives you what you need.
I traded therapy for watching videos of dogs being reunited with their lost people, at least YouTube doesn't make me identify goals for those tears. And it triggers a similar fault slip in the tehom, the cosmic ocean, where my formless experiences are now the swampy home for that famous stack of turtles on which my world rides. Sometimes they are kind of bitey, but if you approach them from the side you won't lose any digits.
Rooster Woodgrain is a gorgeous cat! My cat Jake, my childhood buddy, looked just like Rooster. Jake and I would play hide-and-seek together when I was 5. Thank you for this beautiful and cathartic post. Excavation is so exhausting and strange. Rather than creatures that live in my body rent-free, my body turns into a cello that someone is tuning. Numbed extremities and radial pain from the crown of my head, down my throat, to my heart, through the center of my torso, pulling and tightening the strings.
So excited for this journey for you!! I absolutely love my CPTSD/trauma/somatic/EMDR therapy. It’s literally the only thing that has managed to tone down my pain, and I haven’t even started the main trauma work yet. So many aspects of my life can be touched with it, so we’re working on those tendrils first.
I’ve even been able to start playing guitar again after too many years of pain/depression, woooooo so many feels now!
Good luck with your healing journey, may it bring you some needed peace! 💚
May I wish you a bon voyage? You are doing great things.
Who IS living rent free in my body? What an amazing question. I am going to think about that. Your writings are very useful. You move me, inspire me, challenge me, and bring me back to my human-animalness. Thank you so much.
Sending you love.
I'm a little stuck by this, this is um... I just came from my own blog where I published my first post in two months, and Neko I literally describe that adrenaline rush and healing trauma. I couldn't sleep last night, and yesterday I kept having waves of anxiety/sadness amidst trying to keep my head above water. I... Here. https://www.wildingart.com/blog/we-interrupt-your-regularly-scheduled-broadcast
I'm so so so happy you are going to therapy. Its hard, and it does feel weird and exaggerated, but it's literally what we need to process trauma. You can do this. Love you. So so much 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
I came back for a reread and book grab, as per usual. I need to maintain my top of the class status, ya know. I read everyone's comments and it makes me so happy to see everyone share their stories. I think you're wish is coming true. I also decided that my monster is just an even shorter, darker femme with a full Portuguese accent and stone cold death glare. That's one of the benefits of going through some bullshit: the acquisition of the death glare. Ain't no one gonna fuck with you with that face. Peace, darlin.
Oh one more thing. Imo you can't really kick your monsters out. Their your roommates, you gotta just set up some strict house rules. After a while you can strategize to use them to your advantage. Like a little internalized mutant army, like X-Men. That's what I think at least.
I had a Hades pit in my head that was filled with all of the inherited and inflicted trauma. Honestly used to be terrified to go to therapy because I was afraid if I faced it head-on I would fall apart and be unable to go to work, pay bills, become homeless again, etc. The fear was its own beast. Like when they say, ope that's a load-bearing trauma we don't wanna shift that, doc, the whole thing will collapse. But I went, and had to stop because it got a lot worse before it got better, went back in fits and starts as EAP let me, and the pit in my head gradually became shallower as I worked through things. Now it's a barren desert plain with occasional small fires and tumbleweeds that are mostly manageable. So many long talks with ghouls, ghosts, and former selves. I wish you all the peace in working through your stuff. May the beast become small enough to kick or cuddle as needed.
I love your words and feels and mind. I’m 50 and just got a divorce and cancer diagnosis so I am crawling up out of blackness. It’s been rough as hell, but I feel smarter and ready to live without fear now. Cancer helped me understand a lot of pain from my past and Therapy is good.I wish you the best and you are loved by strangers. Your words and music are magic! I’m glad you exist🧚♀️💪
Unwell Women: SO GOOD. And so awful! Wishing you peace and love. You're a fantastic writer.
I'm sorry I have no life. This is it. This is what I have going for me rn. Anyway. I was thinking about this anger stuff today for myself, and processing it and all that. And I just want to say that I miss Angry Neko™️. I know I know, it's /toxic/. I think I caught the tail end of your Twitter rage, but omg I loved it. I'm not trying to be an enabler or anything. And I mean I wouldn't want it full throttle directed at me - tho I am sure that if it was it would probably be deserved. But gosh I still remember you throwing some good punches. I would pay good money to go back in time and see you start a fight in a club. The 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨🧨!! That's all.
I didn't mean to glorify your anger here like maybe I think it came off. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate. I was again meditating pretty heavy on my own journey tonight, and trying to figure out what boundaries I need to put it place for myself, and what would need to be healed. It's not always a firm line to draw. Then I was scrolling through my timeline on insta and this Nina video popped up and it really captured my feelings.
It's even more synchronous because it comes from a point in her career where she was touring so much (on top of marriage issues, and civil rights movement stuff), it was really effecting her mental health. I feel like I'm this video you can really see how warn down she looks. The song feels personal in a way she may e never intended. I don't know, it's how it feels to me. And it's how it feels.
https://youtu.be/3bw3pVeKtqM
I changed my mind. I went in a Nina Live rabbit hole last night and figured out it was probably intentional.
I know you're creating a positive space and I sometimes come in as a know-it-all asshole. I'm trying to follow your example but sometimes I catch myself post-asshole comment. I used to have the fawn-response with everyone. Then at some point when I finally found my voice, it was empowering to finally just bite back. I'm trying to find middle ground. Neither is healthy. I'm working on it.
First of all I LOVE YOU and manfriendjeff is a good ally ❤️❤️. You've got me all riled up now to make a long post about this stuff - and you know what just got stuck in my window sill??? A PAPER WASP.
AND A SPIDER. THE GANG'S ALL HERE!! 😂😂
Okay its a little nauseating now to keep crawling back in here like the arthropod I am BUT I have a serious question for you. The supreme court hasn't made a final ruling yet, right? It's just a draft. I'm trying to climb through the articles again to see when it would be final. But the SC doesn't make decisions alone, right? They get pressured like everyone else. So is there specific politicians we can harass about this? I read that Biden is pressuring Congress to something something - I need to read it again. I also can't remember when they are going to finalize the draft - from what I understand there's still time.
Don't get me wrong, education is super important and so is donating. I fully support that 1000% for ever and always at any time. But I would like to see more options for direct action when it comes to swaying politicians that can help us with what feels like a more immediate fire. Certainly there are politicians who straddle both sides of the fence for popularity votes - right? I don't know my dumb little female bird brain can't keep up lol.
I'm going to try and organize something from my little corner, but it's so hard when no one is paying attention. I know I am seemingly bad at organizing things and following thru, but I promise you I am NOT. In 2017 I helped run Women's March in CU and we had 5k people show up. I wrote the speeches! I went to every planning meeting and stayed up the whole night before to help them strategize. That's not my first rodeo either. I It's just so hard to do stuff on your own.
I don't want to just sit here and cry like a baby bird. There's got to be something that is practical and more immediate, right? BLM gained no more moment after 2020. The protests didn't work. Things got worse. This one is going to be the same if we can't get the motherfuckers to LISTEN. Then what? We keep fighting the same battles whole fucking Cargill mows over more Prairie to build bullshit.
Please know I'm not mad at you or anything of the sort. I'm not panicking either. I'm just searching for answers. I hope you get that. And if you can't answer it's okay!! I'll look other places. I'm a baby bird who can fly a little lol.
I dunno neko, it seems like if you want to break out more of your horse-woman paraphernalia and slay some Romans in a very non-literal way, now would be the time. And by slay I mean win their hearts and minds or whatever the fuck we're supposed to do.