I’m psychedelic. Not on purpose. I’m finally home and the snow is sparkling in the sunrise orange like sherbert. For many weeks straight I was in a New York Habitrail of wake-work-bed-wake-work-bed. There was no time for any other world than that of the musical. I lived in a submarine of an artificial time and place with 25 other people. New York was so warm, spring flowers like snowdrops and Hellebores were emerging in December. It scared me, I can’t lie. It felt like some kind of Wonkaland, complete with the pushy, entitled tourists.
I’m trying to re-enter my natural environment. I still haven’t exhaled. I still haven’t returned a raft of emails or calls or unpacked. I’m crazy behind. I can’t stop going through the motions of editing and re-editing things in the musical, singing the songs, and hearing the voices of the splendid actors in my head. It’s not easy to unpack my brain in my mess of a wrecked house with drywall dust covering everything. As I was wiping dust off a surface that seemed to actually fight me to absorb it, I cracked and screamed at the top of my lungs. Not a spoiled, tantrum scream, but a danger scream. A “I’m going to fucking lose my shit and you’ll have to take me to a hospital” scream. My home is a very unhealthy environment. It’s just so trashed no matter how many times I temporarily arrange things or clean them. And yes, I know this is not a real problem in the big picture, but it is my sanity, which I need. I need to go home.
What do you do when you are stuck like this? Why, you commit to some escapism!! I spent the last three nights watching “Spirited Away” for the first time since it came out. I loved it so much more than last time, which was a lot then! I drank it up like water in the desert. A more beautiful, intense, bizarre, scary or tender modern fairy tale you won’t find anywhere. I won’t ruin it for you if you haven't seen it though. Next I’m going to revisit “Russian Ark” which was, at the time, the longest continuous single shot, uncut movie in the history of film. (It has since been dethroned by "One Shot Fear Without Cut" from India, which came out in 2014) “Russian Ark” travels through time as it winds its way through Cathrine’s palace. That’s all I’ll say about it as you might want to be surprised.
What do you do to escape? I’d love any and all suggestions! :)
Spirited Away ❤️❤️❤️ The train scene makes me cry every time...such a beautiful and serene scene.
My movie recommendation to you: Snow Cake (super hard to find...but so worth it...it’s my very favourite movie ❄️)
Forest is my escape. My mom died two weeks ago (although my heart aches and I start crying randomly I know she is in a better place now. She just turned 88, she was very tired...she gets to do her favourite thing now (sleep))...Over the weekend I went to scout the perfect place to scatter her ashes. I found a place...a beautiful protective pine tree in a forest reserve close to us. I need to start going there often so I learn the route. We plan to scatter her ashes when the marsh teas begin to bloom in early June ❤️
I know the feeling. Simultaneously overwhelmed by everything and underwhelmed by it all. Depressive stasis. So I took today off work to get caught up. Lots to do on a farm, especially when heading into winter, but I need to control my environment. I spent the morning cleaning and baking bread. Fences, gates, hot wires, etc can ask be checked in the afternoon.