My old farmhouse and barn burned down in September 2017 and my life has been very ungrounded since. I remember my house every day, several times a day. It’s gone, and I live out of drywall boxes that are placed in the approximate space it used to occupy. That’s not a complaint, I’m very grateful to have them, but I just can’t seem to get the rebuild of my home finished. (I'm not gonna bore you with that. It’s all about banks and insurance and lack thereof... *angry, resigned snoring.)
I remember reading about this online. I remember my disgust at the news publishing your information. I remember how desperately you tried to protect your family, friends and neighbors. You thought nothing of your own loss then and everything about everyone you love. And right now my heart breaks for you because you're just now allowing yourself to feel the loss...and not even of what were highly personal, precious things, but of the spaces and the feelings those spaces gave to your spirit. You are a most remarkable woman and I deeply respect you. I love that you teach the world how to feel the world. This substack is a room for you to come into and breathe. I'm so very happy you created it and I'm honored to share it with you.
Your writing is as beautiful and thoughtful and intelligent as your music. Thank you. I can't even imagine the loss of a home to fire. What a horrible thing to endure.
Neko - I burned my house down six years ago. We (my wife and I) live in a closet in my parents' house, next door. Every week, I have to cut the grass around a house I can't live in. Two weeks ago, I paid $3K in property taxes on a house I can't live in. It's actually really good we live with my folks now, as they are getting on and need help with things like the Interwebs. But, once upon a time, my best grrll and I lived in a place called Bunnyland, and now it's gone. And I did that. Did I mention that I build houses for a living? Yet I cannot reconstruct my own (it's complicated). I adore your music. You are quite possibly the only person that can make tears fly out of my face like rain, just from the sound of your voice. I can't wait to see you again! Be well!!
Wow!! Your candour is appreciated and sadly your experience of loss is a universal one. Many will relate to your eloquent story telling. I work with folks that carry an ADHD diagnosis and so I can understand the impact this must be having. You have a beautiful soul Neko, and your perseverance and tenacity will pull you through. I am so glad to have found this space it will undoubtedly enrich us all who are here.
Thank you, Neko. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to rebuild. The idea of "home" is fraught enough without it being taken away from you. I completely understand what you mean by the different rooms having rules though. I was just diagnosed with Inattentive ADD, at 51. It was hard not to go down the rabbit hole of what if's. How would my life be different if..(resigned snoring...) I need my home organized in a specific way or I'm all over the place. But I'm heartened to have such a beautiful, creative sister like you in neuro-diversity.
Thank you for sharing , my day job is grief counselling , really it is often just sitting being present with people who have lost someone , something or even their identity. Fire and its aftermath the reminders the smells the charred marks. I go home after work and dive into artists who inspire music and poetry words and sounds, healing is never going back to before ... thanks for sharing and your generous heart. May the Lung breathe hope and joy your way every day .
I can relate to a lot of this, especially in the middle of trying to buy a house for my family while dealing with a high maintenance landlord in another country with twelve more months on the lease for the necessary rented work/living space. I want my kids in a stable place. It’s hard to do the work I need to do, distracted by the absence of “home.”
I can say genuinely, many of us that follow you and are impacted by you music/art, we were saddened and grieved for the fire at your farm. Home means many things, but the basic protection and safety of the structure you call a home is deep and spiritual. Thank you for the vulnerability and sharing your thoughts.
Since I was 5 years old, my reports from teachers stated "Joanne needs to learn to raise her hand when she wants to join the conversation". Reading these posts makes it nearly impossible for my head to hush, somehow I do. Somehow, I am more interested in the patience of letting my mind's eye conjure images for your words, vs rushing ahead to see the current posted picture. It feels similar to not judging - immediately...another lesson my earliest teachers would have graded me less than satisfactory. Thank you for adding some patience to my day.
Thank you for sharing this painful memory. I felt so bad for you when I found out what happened. I get the room thing, and how important spaces are to the ADHD brain. I'm rooting for you to land some good luck with making a beautiful and safe space to be a cozy mollusk once again.
I remember reading about this online. I remember my disgust at the news publishing your information. I remember how desperately you tried to protect your family, friends and neighbors. You thought nothing of your own loss then and everything about everyone you love. And right now my heart breaks for you because you're just now allowing yourself to feel the loss...and not even of what were highly personal, precious things, but of the spaces and the feelings those spaces gave to your spirit. You are a most remarkable woman and I deeply respect you. I love that you teach the world how to feel the world. This substack is a room for you to come into and breathe. I'm so very happy you created it and I'm honored to share it with you.
Impermanence and loss and trying to make sense of the senseless. We're all in it together.
Your writing is as beautiful and thoughtful and intelligent as your music. Thank you. I can't even imagine the loss of a home to fire. What a horrible thing to endure.
Poignant, as always, beautiful and sad, uplifting and hearbreaking.
Neko - I burned my house down six years ago. We (my wife and I) live in a closet in my parents' house, next door. Every week, I have to cut the grass around a house I can't live in. Two weeks ago, I paid $3K in property taxes on a house I can't live in. It's actually really good we live with my folks now, as they are getting on and need help with things like the Interwebs. But, once upon a time, my best grrll and I lived in a place called Bunnyland, and now it's gone. And I did that. Did I mention that I build houses for a living? Yet I cannot reconstruct my own (it's complicated). I adore your music. You are quite possibly the only person that can make tears fly out of my face like rain, just from the sound of your voice. I can't wait to see you again! Be well!!
Wow!! Your candour is appreciated and sadly your experience of loss is a universal one. Many will relate to your eloquent story telling. I work with folks that carry an ADHD diagnosis and so I can understand the impact this must be having. You have a beautiful soul Neko, and your perseverance and tenacity will pull you through. I am so glad to have found this space it will undoubtedly enrich us all who are here.
Thank you, Neko. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to rebuild. The idea of "home" is fraught enough without it being taken away from you. I completely understand what you mean by the different rooms having rules though. I was just diagnosed with Inattentive ADD, at 51. It was hard not to go down the rabbit hole of what if's. How would my life be different if..(resigned snoring...) I need my home organized in a specific way or I'm all over the place. But I'm heartened to have such a beautiful, creative sister like you in neuro-diversity.
Thank you for sharing , my day job is grief counselling , really it is often just sitting being present with people who have lost someone , something or even their identity. Fire and its aftermath the reminders the smells the charred marks. I go home after work and dive into artists who inspire music and poetry words and sounds, healing is never going back to before ... thanks for sharing and your generous heart. May the Lung breathe hope and joy your way every day .
I can relate to a lot of this, especially in the middle of trying to buy a house for my family while dealing with a high maintenance landlord in another country with twelve more months on the lease for the necessary rented work/living space. I want my kids in a stable place. It’s hard to do the work I need to do, distracted by the absence of “home.”
Sorry for your losses.
I can say genuinely, many of us that follow you and are impacted by you music/art, we were saddened and grieved for the fire at your farm. Home means many things, but the basic protection and safety of the structure you call a home is deep and spiritual. Thank you for the vulnerability and sharing your thoughts.
i've reread this entry several times to hear about Housing and it's meaning and when it is temporary and a relationship to a place with a house.
love it. your old place looks so neat.
Since I was 5 years old, my reports from teachers stated "Joanne needs to learn to raise her hand when she wants to join the conversation". Reading these posts makes it nearly impossible for my head to hush, somehow I do. Somehow, I am more interested in the patience of letting my mind's eye conjure images for your words, vs rushing ahead to see the current posted picture. It feels similar to not judging - immediately...another lesson my earliest teachers would have graded me less than satisfactory. Thank you for adding some patience to my day.
I loved the post but the picture stuck me too. It's that a vintage cigarette machine in pristine condition amongst the ruins, I see there?
Thank you for sharing this painful memory. I felt so bad for you when I found out what happened. I get the room thing, and how important spaces are to the ADHD brain. I'm rooting for you to land some good luck with making a beautiful and safe space to be a cozy mollusk once again.
Thanks for this