What happens when your friends and loved ones die when they also happen to be even slightly “known” or even marginally “famous?” I’m talking specifically about musicians here but it could be lot’s of people. Obviously, it’s crushing and confusing and awful. Obviously. Personally, I feel like I have a shark bite taken out of my body somewhere that I cannot locate. I’m confused and clumsy. I wake up having wrestled the pillow case off my pillow after falling asleep so worried about my friends’families and significant others that I can’t really sleep. I’ve lost four people I love this last month, it’s been a doozy. I received mostly kind words and sad tidings from people on social media, and I felt some kinship with strangers making their own sweet tributes with memories and photos and shared love of our light-giving friends. But occasionally (more often than you would think), I receive this…
I’ve had to learn that there are always going to be people who want to cash in on any tragedy. My wife died in an accident February 6th and I’ve since learned that there are even “ambulance chasing” realtors. I’ve gotten calls and mail since the week after she died asking if I’m selling our home. I don’t even understand how these people were able to obtain my phone number. I’ve seen people share tributes as if they were best friends who I know she didn’t like at all. Luckily, I’ve had way more private, positive support that has outnumbered those awful people. And I just have to try to focus on that part of humanity over the darker parts to keep some semblance of sanity. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to navigate your pain while being so well known. I think I would end up burning my devices and fully becoming the hermit I was born to be. I’m sending you all of the positive, healing love I have. And want you to know that a lot of what I have was absorbed from your music and words. 💞
My diabetes makes my feet numb and sting with pain but some days I think it is just the sheer pain and grief the Earth has absorbed flooding up into my extremities. I am not worldly nor good at feigning compassion but maybe I am numbing up bit by bit. I feel something still but loss and grief are like a rough itchy blanket on my bare shoulders. Just want you to hear I love you for what you are generous and talented and so human.
I've had to drastically reduce my contact with news and social media for the sake of my own mental health. It helps me, grounds me, makes me start to feel real again... but as I watch everyone else become sucked in to the constant barrage of propaganda from every different angle it makes me feel further removed from them. There's a great divide happening, a rift in our collective consciousness.
I take comfort in knowing that there are people like you out there, having what I see as a normal reaction to the abnormal situations we're all in.
I'm so sorry about your friends, 4 in such a short time... that's horribly brutal, without all the additional madness of the media on top of it. I'm afraid I'm pretty terrible at comforting words, I'm not a fan of hollow sayings that don't actually mean anything. I'm much better at giving hugs and being physically comforting. I care though, I hope you find some relief from the pain of loss here and there.
I've gotten massive amounts of comfort from your music, all the way back since Blacklisted, so I really feel indebted to you. So many painful times have been calmed in my heart by the poetry of your songs and the clarity of your gorgeous voice... thank you so much for that.
Thank you for saying things that need to be said both in your music and on this blog; for sharing so freely of yourself to others who feel pain and see absurdities in life and yet still try to muddle through in kindness and in good-spirit; and I look forward to seeing you LIVE at Wolftrap this fall (I just purchased tickets that went on sale this morning). After the last few years and all the losses I too have endured, I need you and your beautiful voice more than ever. Peace & Love to you, and healing vibes sent your way for the losses of your loved ones.
I don't know what it's like, but I feel like its kind of like being at a service if someone you love, and watching people show up who barely knew or cared about that person, or ever worse, people showing up who treated that person like shit while they were living. That always gets me. But I feel like what you're talking about is even more callous. I wish that schools treated kids a little less like robots getting programmed for factory life, and split the curriculum so that we could learn about self care (of all forms), and also empathy and sympathy. Imagine how much more kind our society would be if we just spent a little more time learning how to understand and care of other humans and ourselves. As far as the media is concerned, I've spent the last few years learning how to be extra selective over what I take in. Trying to figure out what is just going to trigger my anger vs. information that I needed to pay attention to because not doing so would be taking advantage of my privilege. Also reading multiple sources to try and figure out what is bullshit and what has integrity and truth. I still end up being disappointed by a lot of it. I dunno if there's a way to completely escape the cacophony of so many egos in the media sphere. But I have learned when to switch it off and spend more "inner" time to bring my peace back. I'm sorry you have to go through that on top of being hurt. I'm sending you some warm, healing, loving psychic salve to throw on that bite, with some hugs for bandages.
That sounds awful. I'm so sorry. It has been strange enough (in my experience, anyway), when I was grieving a whole, real person, a family friend, and because they were "known," other people used it as an opportunity to lord their fandom-knowledge over me. Not to minimize how people grieve beloved musicians whom they didn't know but who saved them anyway. God knows I do that! But it made me angry to hear speculations and tossed-off "see how much I know" name mentions, when I was missing a person, not "A Name." If any of that makes any sense.
Also, I meant to say, thank you for this observation! "It’s just social media now? Not that it wasn’t some form of it before, but now it’s just something to discuss at a distance with vehemence or feigned worldliness?" "Vehemence or feigned worldliness" is such an apt description of that phenomenon/dilemma/trap.
Here , here! And thank you for the bluntness, we need it. Life is painful, fearful and lately pretty numb for a lot of folks. I have to say facing it and talking about it,
“More in the way you have” is getting to be more and more scarce whilst also VERY necessary. Mortality is on all of our minds, I often pour out a drink to some of my favorite people who I have lost, specs on this blue marble, i guess i feel it’s important to remember the mark they left on me/whomever. Cant make everyone happy? How about anyone? Your rant mad me happy = +1
This is brutal. As a journalist, I'm appalled by the insensitivity I see exhibited by practitioners. Not to blame all or only journalists. The ability to be this crass is not limited to the one profession... sadly. Sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. Sending love and the understanding of what a sneaky jerk grief is. Sometimes feels like your heart has marionette strings and they are tangled and in knots. I have lost multiple friends in a short time period too, and it was hard enough dealing with drama from people I can’t imagine having to deal with insensitive requests and ambulance chasers.
Gotta love how the Universe worx: I don't believe I had heard about this particular loss before reading your post this morning, so I couldn't quite guess to whom you were referring. By chance, however, Joey from Calexico was doing a guest dj slot on my local radio of choice tonight - during which time he took the opportunity to play "Hold On, Hold On", and dropped a pretty big hint, swaddled in much love and respect.
My sincerest condolences and empathetic gut-churn from the news.
In our Brave New Ever Connected World, where every mote and speck of our lives is seen through the lens of "content" even the most private, the most sacred moments become commodities to be exploited -- death? grief? those are heavy hitters, especially for "public figures" ... precious metals to be strip mined for lurid details or -- in lieu of such -- then heart-tugging testimonials; whatever drives the clicks. For those of us who pre-date the Internet Age and remember when there was at least some feint toward decorum or tact in such matters, it's natural to be aghast at the callousness, the morbidity; but for the "kids" who haven't known a world where everyone they know narrates their whole lives into a glowing rectangle held two feet in front of their face, how can they even fathom what it means that some things may not be for public consumption? I'm not trying to pin anything on "kids these days" because they are only reacting to the world in front of them, served up by the gossips and the vultures -- who, yes, have always existed -- but now have the technological means to brazenly pander to the basest, rubber-necking instincts of an audience they have systematically desensitized into just accepting that this is The Way Things Are now, all of Reality is just one big Show.
I am sorry for your loss; may the vultures leave you in peace.
I’ve had to learn that there are always going to be people who want to cash in on any tragedy. My wife died in an accident February 6th and I’ve since learned that there are even “ambulance chasing” realtors. I’ve gotten calls and mail since the week after she died asking if I’m selling our home. I don’t even understand how these people were able to obtain my phone number. I’ve seen people share tributes as if they were best friends who I know she didn’t like at all. Luckily, I’ve had way more private, positive support that has outnumbered those awful people. And I just have to try to focus on that part of humanity over the darker parts to keep some semblance of sanity. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to navigate your pain while being so well known. I think I would end up burning my devices and fully becoming the hermit I was born to be. I’m sending you all of the positive, healing love I have. And want you to know that a lot of what I have was absorbed from your music and words. 💞
I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. Pay close attention to your dreams, she may come say hello if she hasn't already. XO
And I'm sorry for the callous ambulance chasers. I know how you feel.
Jesus. (And reading that last paragraph, I feel like shouting: “Yes, yes, yes—it’s an emergency!”) Sending love. ♥️
My diabetes makes my feet numb and sting with pain but some days I think it is just the sheer pain and grief the Earth has absorbed flooding up into my extremities. I am not worldly nor good at feigning compassion but maybe I am numbing up bit by bit. I feel something still but loss and grief are like a rough itchy blanket on my bare shoulders. Just want you to hear I love you for what you are generous and talented and so human.
I've had to drastically reduce my contact with news and social media for the sake of my own mental health. It helps me, grounds me, makes me start to feel real again... but as I watch everyone else become sucked in to the constant barrage of propaganda from every different angle it makes me feel further removed from them. There's a great divide happening, a rift in our collective consciousness.
I take comfort in knowing that there are people like you out there, having what I see as a normal reaction to the abnormal situations we're all in.
I'm so sorry about your friends, 4 in such a short time... that's horribly brutal, without all the additional madness of the media on top of it. I'm afraid I'm pretty terrible at comforting words, I'm not a fan of hollow sayings that don't actually mean anything. I'm much better at giving hugs and being physically comforting. I care though, I hope you find some relief from the pain of loss here and there.
I've gotten massive amounts of comfort from your music, all the way back since Blacklisted, so I really feel indebted to you. So many painful times have been calmed in my heart by the poetry of your songs and the clarity of your gorgeous voice... thank you so much for that.
Thank you for saying things that need to be said both in your music and on this blog; for sharing so freely of yourself to others who feel pain and see absurdities in life and yet still try to muddle through in kindness and in good-spirit; and I look forward to seeing you LIVE at Wolftrap this fall (I just purchased tickets that went on sale this morning). After the last few years and all the losses I too have endured, I need you and your beautiful voice more than ever. Peace & Love to you, and healing vibes sent your way for the losses of your loved ones.
I don't know what it's like, but I feel like its kind of like being at a service if someone you love, and watching people show up who barely knew or cared about that person, or ever worse, people showing up who treated that person like shit while they were living. That always gets me. But I feel like what you're talking about is even more callous. I wish that schools treated kids a little less like robots getting programmed for factory life, and split the curriculum so that we could learn about self care (of all forms), and also empathy and sympathy. Imagine how much more kind our society would be if we just spent a little more time learning how to understand and care of other humans and ourselves. As far as the media is concerned, I've spent the last few years learning how to be extra selective over what I take in. Trying to figure out what is just going to trigger my anger vs. information that I needed to pay attention to because not doing so would be taking advantage of my privilege. Also reading multiple sources to try and figure out what is bullshit and what has integrity and truth. I still end up being disappointed by a lot of it. I dunno if there's a way to completely escape the cacophony of so many egos in the media sphere. But I have learned when to switch it off and spend more "inner" time to bring my peace back. I'm sorry you have to go through that on top of being hurt. I'm sending you some warm, healing, loving psychic salve to throw on that bite, with some hugs for bandages.
That sounds awful. I'm so sorry. It has been strange enough (in my experience, anyway), when I was grieving a whole, real person, a family friend, and because they were "known," other people used it as an opportunity to lord their fandom-knowledge over me. Not to minimize how people grieve beloved musicians whom they didn't know but who saved them anyway. God knows I do that! But it made me angry to hear speculations and tossed-off "see how much I know" name mentions, when I was missing a person, not "A Name." If any of that makes any sense.
Also, I meant to say, thank you for this observation! "It’s just social media now? Not that it wasn’t some form of it before, but now it’s just something to discuss at a distance with vehemence or feigned worldliness?" "Vehemence or feigned worldliness" is such an apt description of that phenomenon/dilemma/trap.
Here , here! And thank you for the bluntness, we need it. Life is painful, fearful and lately pretty numb for a lot of folks. I have to say facing it and talking about it,
“More in the way you have” is getting to be more and more scarce whilst also VERY necessary. Mortality is on all of our minds, I often pour out a drink to some of my favorite people who I have lost, specs on this blue marble, i guess i feel it’s important to remember the mark they left on me/whomever. Cant make everyone happy? How about anyone? Your rant mad me happy = +1
“Our boundaries are just us fighting about our boundaries?”
planted two desert scrub oaks in Yucca Valley in memory of one of these departed, one of my guitar heroes....
This is brutal. As a journalist, I'm appalled by the insensitivity I see exhibited by practitioners. Not to blame all or only journalists. The ability to be this crass is not limited to the one profession... sadly. Sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your losses. Grieving privately is difficult enough work - I can’t imagine this added layer.
I am so sorry. Sending love and the understanding of what a sneaky jerk grief is. Sometimes feels like your heart has marionette strings and they are tangled and in knots. I have lost multiple friends in a short time period too, and it was hard enough dealing with drama from people I can’t imagine having to deal with insensitive requests and ambulance chasers.
Gotta love how the Universe worx: I don't believe I had heard about this particular loss before reading your post this morning, so I couldn't quite guess to whom you were referring. By chance, however, Joey from Calexico was doing a guest dj slot on my local radio of choice tonight - during which time he took the opportunity to play "Hold On, Hold On", and dropped a pretty big hint, swaddled in much love and respect.
My sincerest condolences and empathetic gut-churn from the news.
In our Brave New Ever Connected World, where every mote and speck of our lives is seen through the lens of "content" even the most private, the most sacred moments become commodities to be exploited -- death? grief? those are heavy hitters, especially for "public figures" ... precious metals to be strip mined for lurid details or -- in lieu of such -- then heart-tugging testimonials; whatever drives the clicks. For those of us who pre-date the Internet Age and remember when there was at least some feint toward decorum or tact in such matters, it's natural to be aghast at the callousness, the morbidity; but for the "kids" who haven't known a world where everyone they know narrates their whole lives into a glowing rectangle held two feet in front of their face, how can they even fathom what it means that some things may not be for public consumption? I'm not trying to pin anything on "kids these days" because they are only reacting to the world in front of them, served up by the gossips and the vultures -- who, yes, have always existed -- but now have the technological means to brazenly pander to the basest, rubber-necking instincts of an audience they have systematically desensitized into just accepting that this is The Way Things Are now, all of Reality is just one big Show.
I am sorry for your loss; may the vultures leave you in peace.
✌️❤️