THE FOREST OF BEAUTY THAT I CAN’T FEEL THOUGH I’M DEEP IN IT

Hello. I’m still deep in/on tour. I have found a few moments here at the Quality Inn in Ithaca, NY to try to catch up on my writing. It’s been hard. Man, do I miss my animals… The sky is as blue as can be, with fluffy clouds stacked high. The fall sun is slanting in close making it seem fairly hot despite how far we are into October. The sunshine across the northeast has been glorious on this run. The shows have been good and the people so kind… but there is something missing? It’s me.

There’s a certain form some depression takes that might be the most maddening; the numbing unguent. I am longing to feel. So longing to be amazed and humbled and surprised. I am one of those people who can kill the mood just by being if I am sad. It’s a big responsibility. I don’t want to get my sad germs on my tourmates who are joy itself. I don’t want to stifle their beams. Not that I’m trying to, quite the opposite, but I don’t know how great a band leader I am at the moment. I hate not feeling present for my job. I worry that you all will see through me and you will feel cheated by the show. I know this is not how most people going to the show think and I am grateful. I do feel you. You are an electric blanket for me. Thank you.

I have spent most of my life masking, and unsuccessfully at that. I’m tired. I know you likely hear this a lot, especially from women, queer people and neurodivergent folks. Hiding my ADHD, hiding sadness or rage, or just disappointment. But saddest of all; hiding my enthusiasm. Be it for someone I liked because I’m “too much” or just seeming obnoxious about a band I like a lot, and so on. Don’t you dare tell someone you love them! Ugh… And I’m masking still. I figured maybe telling you would poke a hole in the suffocating bubble. Again, thank you for reading this. I’m not telling you any of this as a cry for help, I am lucky to have an excellent support system, I just like saying whats real, be it a pulled hamstring that makes it hard to bend over, PMS, the flu or just plain old depression. 

My particular depression is, I believe, situational. I’ve had no real home I can move into since the fire in 2017 and I have been taken advantage of by so many people in regards to building and fixing it. Everyone says not to take it personal but that is absolutely fucking impossible and I’m not afraid to say so. I don’t want to stop trusting people, because I think that is a strength, not a weakness, but seriously, I’m on the brink of it. I know I’m strong enough to get through it, I just don’t want to do a bad job for all of you. So, this is my self-care; talking to you all. As audiences you have been loving and supportive and I hope what the band and I do comforts you right back. If I am a little subdued it’s not because I’m not happy to be there, on the contrary, being on this tour is keeping me in the orbit of the people I love, including you. It’s a heathy place to be. 

On that note, here are some beautiful things I’ve noticed in the past couple weeks:

-Seeing a friend in Toronto on her last day of work ever! I’m so happy I was with her to celebrate a positive milestone. Much homemade bread was eaten…

-The details in the old theatres we have been playing. They sometimes seem the same but if you look closer they are all unique gems. A bent-wood staircase here, an oval swooping sightline there… even King Tut! They are handmade and fucking glorious. Kudos to everyone who works to maintain and care for these palaces of joy.

-The runners, the techs, the GM’s and all the folks we work with during the day have been lovely. I love learning about cities I don’t live in from the local crews. They have the best suggestions and you leave feeling like you saw a little of the real city, not the tourist stuff.

-I never thought I’d say this, but I am now a fan of the vocal warm-up! I usually use soundcheck to warm up, but since Adam has made us all try it it has made a world of difference. It is also a way to prepare with your band in a useful way pre-show. It strengthens your connection to eachother. I’d never do it by myself, which is horrible to admit, but I love being with them before the show. We don’t do a huddle or a prayer pre-show, we usually just giggle about stuff. I’d feel insincere praying or pontificating, it’s just not me, but somehow singing “Mo-mommy-mommy-moo” over and over is?

-The last traces of summer hanging on by just a couple fingers, slipping. I breathe in the cool, fragrant air as much as I can and realize how short and special this time is every year. It makes me want to set everything down and just spend every waking moment describing every molecule of it.

This handmade beauty at the Academy of Music in Northampton, Mass