TURN DOWN THE “ME”

Hello! Sorry I am a little behind in writing. Getting this tour on its feet has been rough. This has nothing to do with music or the band, just logistics and grueling work hours. The morning I was to leave I had some infuriating non-info from a contractor. I lost my shit. I hurled a cup of coffee at the wall and threw my phone so hard it made a hole in the drywall. The coffee stained the tile floor in the bathroom and there were dark stains all over my bed. I was so angry I cried hard. I realized I would never really get to come home. Have you ever come to the conclusion as a woman that no one listens to you? Not even women? I won’t get into the boring contractor details of how they will never finish my house, just that it is so very triggering. I was eight years old again and completely taken advantage of and helpless. I got on the plane with zero self esteem or confidence. All I felt was despair. I had even forgotten my guitar.

It was nice to see the band, and it did feel good to sing but I had an omnipresent unease. My lack of confidence left me weak and tired. The weather in St Louis was beautiful and it was nice to see the friendly faces of the staff at the Sheldon Theatre. I felt a little safer. We practiced hard all day. The morning of the show I went to a nearby gym and met up with a trainer named Jordan who owns the place. He was a jolly, talkative person who made me forget that I was down for an hour. He had apologized at the beginning of the session because he had a hard out at 10 am. “I have a TV interview” he said. I asked him what he was being interviewed about. He told me he runs ultramarathons and the next morning he was to start running 200 miles in under 48 hours. “WOW!,” I exclaimed. “Is there a reason?” He told me his mother in law was dealing with expensive cancer treatments and was worried that her family would get stuck with the bill. She had always been someone to help people out and was very loved by her community, and of course their family. How can a person heal when they worry so hard? Amen to that… I said goodbye to Jordan and wished him all the success and got the info (which I will share with you HERE) so I could make a donation. I was bolstered to meet such a kind and selfless human.

 

I was scared for the show that first night in St. Louis but the crowd was lively and supportive (Thank you, St Louis!) and the room at the Sheldon sounds stunning. I felt a little more like myself. One down. But the next night was not just Nashville which has a shortage of good sounding venues, but it was a showcase during “AmericanaFest” which means many bands and not much soundcheck. Not good for a guy with my current self confidence issues. I don’t have a new record and wasn’t winning any awards so who would give a crap that I was playing I wondered. In my mind my relevance was just shy of non. “At least I have a good band,” I thought to myself. We showed up early for a soundcheck at the Basement East. Luckily the staff were all in good spirits and eager to help. I was so grateful to them. Oz the monitor engineer was especially helpful and on it. I was relieved. I had one less thing to worry about. I was exhausted from the previous few days so I went to the hotel and passed out hard. I was sad to miss T Bone Burnett playing across town but I was just so tired. A bunch of the band went though and said it was magical. As I got ready for the show that night my non-relevance went through my head and I would push it out. I knew I was at a low point. “Keep going!” I demanded in my head. I listened to Jimmie Dale Gilmor’s “Headed for a Fall” which somehow made me feel a little better. He is a great soother, Jimmie Dale…

At the show I saw a bit of Waxahachie, which was great and backstage, musicians and their crews all mingled excitedly. Everyone was so kind and helpful. I still didn’t know what I was doing there but running into my longtime friends from my label, Anti, helped a bit. “Who am I anymore?” I wondered. The set was only to be 45 minutes long but I was still nervous which I never am. I made choices for the set list that were odd, but I was ready to stand by them. I dug in despite my imposter syndrome. Having anger in you is handy for this… It helps you sometimes fake it if you are feeling low. The show was good and I really enjoyed singing so soon I wasn’t faking anymore. I gave Oz my heartfelt thanks for the excellent stage sound which made a world of difference. One more good sounding venue in Nashville! Huzzah! I thought about Jordan. He was STILL running from early that morning, and he was still running the next day. Damn. I’m running too, from or to something or both. It is to be determined. 

Jordan finished his 200 miles. He came in over his goal for his mother in law. You can still donate to his GoFundMe though. Up above click the underlined “HERE.” Thank you and way to go, Jordan!!

Two views of Indianapolis…