Wow! What a travel day! 5:30 a.m. EST to 11 p.m. PST. I expected to get so much done on the plane, but all I managed was to finish reading a book, and that’s not so shabby! Yet, I dragged myself to baggage claim feeling like a bit of a lazy failure? WTF?! For some reason I don’t believe that if I’m awake I’m allowed to rest. Yes, I know this is super fucked up – no waking rest for a human body furiously packing, working, writing, considering, doing manual labor and feeling worn out. WHY for fuck’s sake!?!
Well, in the past TWO years of homelessness, just getting up in the morning seems to me at times totally unreasonable. The totally miserable masochist portion of my persona has these two years often had days when it says, why bother. All's miserable... But, I slap myself (what'd I say about masochism...) and cuss to get my fat ass up, get out of my car, and face the day. I wanted to check out and face no more days ever more when this new lifestyle roared my way, but I came to realize some blisses I embraced and that fueled me when having a comfy roof over my head are still present. Even if it be a car rooftop. Not all, but some. I can still listen to and be inspired by music, and keep writing, songsmithing lyrics.
Helluva lot to challenge, these days, that's fer sure. That's fer dang sure...
I just listened to ezra klein's interview with maryanne wolf on "deep reading." if you were reading a physical book on the plane, neko, you might have experienced it. something like mindfulness, or meditation. doesn't happen reading on screens.
I was just thinking about this. I stopped running around in circles and said relax for a few minutes. Then I read this. 10 or 15 years ago, I would naturally stop and breathe and stretch, do a little yoga or Tai Chi moves. . What I've recently been expecting my body to do is function without taking the time to walk, do the yoga or Tai Chi moves, and it's not good. Maybe this will help me focus on that first. Thank you!
I'll have to review and see what specific Substsck parameters I may need to remain within. Or can I just provide brass tacks? Oh believe me, I've already journaled the experience some. From standing out on that bridges 450 foot drop (did my research prior to endeavor. San Diego has I believe 9th or so tallest bridge in US. How convenient, I thought).
It's not a really grim and downer telling of incident. My life long dark humor had me chortling out at midspan in inky black of evening. Had my own standup routine going. Saw the horror of it as well as the absurdity. I use as much what is it levity, whenever I write or speak of it. Was just not my time to go. Besides I love laffing too damn much. And art, music. And hell, at age 62, perhaps by some miracle romance and love and all that will actually appear at this late stage. That'd be new for me in so many ways. But might that end my stint as an introverted loner artist...?
This life incident led to friends of 30 plus years ending any interaction. Musta just freaked them out. No best of luck, no returned calls, mailings. Nothin'. Dead silence. Two pals who kept with me. Propped me up back on feet at start. Gas money and such... Fuck all the others I say. Times as these one finds who true friends are. All others were mere acquaintances far as I say.
Anyway. Babbling on as usual. So yeah, I'd be okay with however I could share. as a writer, I was hoping I'd get a song out of this tale. Have a few tentative lines. In time perhaps... My intent at present is to attend the upcoming NP show at Belly Up Tavern. A damn good venue for SD. Most all others have lousy acoustics. Saw NP in autumn 2014 at North Park Theater, or Observatory, whatever the hell it's called this week...you all blew the roof off the dump. Stunning performance.
Well, time to clam up. I'll mull rewriting and an approach to a tell. Oh. Have lots of observations regarding a so called crisis house I stayed a stint in after a brief but benign hospital stay. The house was a farce. A nightmare. As I had heard well before ever thinking I'd end up in one. We residents actually helped and counselled one another. The social workers were useless goddamn clowns.
This is why we invent rituals like smoking cigars and pipes or having tea. Is uncle fred doing nothing for an hour outside on the deck? No, he's smoking his pipe. Because if he spent an hour outside on the deck resting alone doing nothing people think it's strange
Sometimes I feel like that judge inside my old bald head is too powerful, if I fear emotional pain then I always need to be busy so my demons can't catch up. The judge and critic (two complete assholes) in my mind say that any time you take for yourself is wasted or selfish. Welcome to my mind. I had my own independence day last November and said no to them. It felt good.
Also I'm 62 now and creaks and aches are part of the scenery, but I chose to live in my preferred narrative (Thanks Michael White) and it feels good and relatively guilt free.
Come on over and be idle for a spell, maybe then the book will flow like your Vermont creeks in Spring.
I'm pretty good at "resting" (napping, TV binging, soaking, scrolling, kitty cuddling, draping my body firmly and dramatically across the sofa - pillows arranged just so) but holy smokes do I give it to myself in the neck for being a world class slug. Maybe I should say "elite level" slug? I shame myself for wasting time and procrastinating with the things "I say" I want. Toil...I do toil at shaming myself...
I started school 5 days a week, 35 hours, after 9 years of disability, where among other things I developed chronic fatigue. Class starts at 7:30am and it's hard work (I'm in watchmaking school), it's been hard as fuck to show up every day and stay till the end. It's super gratifying work though and I love it, so somehow I'm powering through.
I'm in Seattle for the first time and I have fallen in love with Washington. It's incredibly beautiful here!
I don’t know how my whole life has been nonstop. Because right now I just can’t do as much. I don’t understand how I ever did everything that I ever did every day.  While I don’t want to let go, I’m forced to let go. My body is just not having it. The no button is turned on more often these days. 
Hello! I don't know if anyone's going to see this now, but I kept thinking about it for many reasons...
It's something I think about a lot and one thing that I remembered, which felt worth sharing was something an Ayurvedic doctor said to me last year. I was asking her about what kind of activity/work I could engage with.
She said, 'If it's nurturing and it brings you joy then do it' and it sounds obvious but, remembering that for me, asking myself here and there 'is this nurturing and does it bring me joy?' was a really great thing to do. I know we don't always have the option for work that feels nurturing, but even so I think the question can sometimes help us shift the way we do something, or maybe make a different choice.
I've demanded my body do well on less sleep than I need, for way too many years. Trying to fix that now. I also have trouble sitting still without feeling guilty or panicked that there's something I forgot to do...
Well, in the past TWO years of homelessness, just getting up in the morning seems to me at times totally unreasonable. The totally miserable masochist portion of my persona has these two years often had days when it says, why bother. All's miserable... But, I slap myself (what'd I say about masochism...) and cuss to get my fat ass up, get out of my car, and face the day. I wanted to check out and face no more days ever more when this new lifestyle roared my way, but I came to realize some blisses I embraced and that fueled me when having a comfy roof over my head are still present. Even if it be a car rooftop. Not all, but some. I can still listen to and be inspired by music, and keep writing, songsmithing lyrics.
Helluva lot to challenge, these days, that's fer sure. That's fer dang sure...
yes, humans are insane.
I just listened to ezra klein's interview with maryanne wolf on "deep reading." if you were reading a physical book on the plane, neko, you might have experienced it. something like mindfulness, or meditation. doesn't happen reading on screens.
My therapist had often told me I need to learn how to be a human being, not a human doing. I think of this often and am trying to learn.
I was just thinking about this. I stopped running around in circles and said relax for a few minutes. Then I read this. 10 or 15 years ago, I would naturally stop and breathe and stretch, do a little yoga or Tai Chi moves. . What I've recently been expecting my body to do is function without taking the time to walk, do the yoga or Tai Chi moves, and it's not good. Maybe this will help me focus on that first. Thank you!
I'll have to review and see what specific Substsck parameters I may need to remain within. Or can I just provide brass tacks? Oh believe me, I've already journaled the experience some. From standing out on that bridges 450 foot drop (did my research prior to endeavor. San Diego has I believe 9th or so tallest bridge in US. How convenient, I thought).
It's not a really grim and downer telling of incident. My life long dark humor had me chortling out at midspan in inky black of evening. Had my own standup routine going. Saw the horror of it as well as the absurdity. I use as much what is it levity, whenever I write or speak of it. Was just not my time to go. Besides I love laffing too damn much. And art, music. And hell, at age 62, perhaps by some miracle romance and love and all that will actually appear at this late stage. That'd be new for me in so many ways. But might that end my stint as an introverted loner artist...?
This life incident led to friends of 30 plus years ending any interaction. Musta just freaked them out. No best of luck, no returned calls, mailings. Nothin'. Dead silence. Two pals who kept with me. Propped me up back on feet at start. Gas money and such... Fuck all the others I say. Times as these one finds who true friends are. All others were mere acquaintances far as I say.
Anyway. Babbling on as usual. So yeah, I'd be okay with however I could share. as a writer, I was hoping I'd get a song out of this tale. Have a few tentative lines. In time perhaps... My intent at present is to attend the upcoming NP show at Belly Up Tavern. A damn good venue for SD. Most all others have lousy acoustics. Saw NP in autumn 2014 at North Park Theater, or Observatory, whatever the hell it's called this week...you all blew the roof off the dump. Stunning performance.
Well, time to clam up. I'll mull rewriting and an approach to a tell. Oh. Have lots of observations regarding a so called crisis house I stayed a stint in after a brief but benign hospital stay. The house was a farce. A nightmare. As I had heard well before ever thinking I'd end up in one. We residents actually helped and counselled one another. The social workers were useless goddamn clowns.
GK
THINK TWICE
I wonder if once, you've ever thought twice
Even look before taking a leap
The breaths you take are short
Best to make them deep
Right turns are not all wrong
There's tomorrow's, and next week
I had a friend say to me very matter of factly: “I’ve never seen you relaxed once in my life.” I was like “shit other ppl see this?”
This is why we invent rituals like smoking cigars and pipes or having tea. Is uncle fred doing nothing for an hour outside on the deck? No, he's smoking his pipe. Because if he spent an hour outside on the deck resting alone doing nothing people think it's strange
Sometimes I feel like that judge inside my old bald head is too powerful, if I fear emotional pain then I always need to be busy so my demons can't catch up. The judge and critic (two complete assholes) in my mind say that any time you take for yourself is wasted or selfish. Welcome to my mind. I had my own independence day last November and said no to them. It felt good.
Also I'm 62 now and creaks and aches are part of the scenery, but I chose to live in my preferred narrative (Thanks Michael White) and it feels good and relatively guilt free.
Come on over and be idle for a spell, maybe then the book will flow like your Vermont creeks in Spring.
I'm pretty good at "resting" (napping, TV binging, soaking, scrolling, kitty cuddling, draping my body firmly and dramatically across the sofa - pillows arranged just so) but holy smokes do I give it to myself in the neck for being a world class slug. Maybe I should say "elite level" slug? I shame myself for wasting time and procrastinating with the things "I say" I want. Toil...I do toil at shaming myself...
I understand. I had to have a heartattack a couple if weeks ago to rest. We are crazy.
I started school 5 days a week, 35 hours, after 9 years of disability, where among other things I developed chronic fatigue. Class starts at 7:30am and it's hard work (I'm in watchmaking school), it's been hard as fuck to show up every day and stay till the end. It's super gratifying work though and I love it, so somehow I'm powering through.
I'm in Seattle for the first time and I have fallen in love with Washington. It's incredibly beautiful here!
I don’t know how my whole life has been nonstop. Because right now I just can’t do as much. I don’t understand how I ever did everything that I ever did every day.  While I don’t want to let go, I’m forced to let go. My body is just not having it. The no button is turned on more often these days. 
Pry myself from bed when I’m still tired, and go to bed when I’m not.
Hello! I don't know if anyone's going to see this now, but I kept thinking about it for many reasons...
It's something I think about a lot and one thing that I remembered, which felt worth sharing was something an Ayurvedic doctor said to me last year. I was asking her about what kind of activity/work I could engage with.
She said, 'If it's nurturing and it brings you joy then do it' and it sounds obvious but, remembering that for me, asking myself here and there 'is this nurturing and does it bring me joy?' was a really great thing to do. I know we don't always have the option for work that feels nurturing, but even so I think the question can sometimes help us shift the way we do something, or maybe make a different choice.
x
I've demanded my body do well on less sleep than I need, for way too many years. Trying to fix that now. I also have trouble sitting still without feeling guilty or panicked that there's something I forgot to do...
Thank you.